Just go for it

 so much on my mind lately... it is crazy how one person can come into your life at the exact time that you needed them the most but it was probaley the worst time for them.  It is also crazy how one person can lift you up so much,  become that one support system that you have needed for so long and truley change your whole outlook on life.  I have been having a lot of regrets lately... looking back on my life I have wasted way to much time worrying about stupid shit that I have No control over and  allowing negative hurtful people into my life.  I am 23 years old and need to start LIVING!! I have beeen taking little moments for myself like taking a bubble bath or just reading a non nursing book, these little moments are essential for my sanity right now... and i have realized that I need to cherish the time i have with my precious little boy and stop allowing school and work to take over... yes these are a must and I have to work hard to provide for Landon and I  but there is a time in life where you have to take a step back and truly enjoy what you have NOW and live for Today because life as you know it can change in an instant.  The little things i complain about i have realized they are things that some people would kill for!  Just the ability to breathe... to go school and persue my dream to become a nurse,  to have a child, a HEALTHY child,  these are all blessings that i need to be grateful for every single day.... my mom has always said "if you have your health you have everything"  and I am realizing that more and more everyday.  I am so blessed to have what I have and I want to enjoy life, take chances, stop over analyzing everything and just GO FOR IT!

life

LIFE: its something people rarely take advantage of, luckily there comes a defining moment in everyone life when they realize that time is short, you never really know how much of it you will have so you have to hope that when that moment happens you still have your whole life ahead of you, time to travel the world or marry your soul mate time to do everything you have ever wanted to do because you never know when life as you know it may end .

My therapy session..: )

Do you ever just feel complety out of control? Well I cant stand that feeling, which is why i am the biggest neat freak, perfectionist &  ocd person you will ever meet. It all boils down to my desperate need for control and structure in my life.  I have always felt like there has always been one person in my life that has control over me and my happiness, rather it was my brother and all of that bull or my horrible relationship with my sons dad or  me trying to please my so called "friends". I always think of everyone else before myself... I am deathly afraid of hurting people and making people mad at me, so when I am hurt or angry I hold it in and keep my mouth shut. This in turn builds and builds in me then I just bust or take it out on the WRONG people. I am a  very very very sensitive person, I expect SO much out of others because I know what I would do, which is why I am so easliy hurt and let down by others, but in turn it makes me sincerley APPRECIATE the good in people and the LITTLE things in life. Its crazy how things can come full circle like that, how a negative thing can be turned into a positive....I am trying so hard to look at the positive in people and understand that sometimes people just arent who you want them to be or need them to be so its ok to forgive and just move on with your life without them in it. Forgivness is letting go of the anger for yourself, it is NOT saying that what that person did was ok, its just being the bigger person and LETTING GO. I think we all harbor and hold on to alot more then we could ever imagine.

I am hurt as hell right now by alot of things and alot of people. I feel like I just keep getting stabbed in the back and shitted on. I found myself asking "what did I do? what did I do to cause this?". Sometimes you have to take a step back and truley look at yourself, but at the same time it might not even be you, if very well could be that it is that  person and there demons and problems that they need to work out for themselves.

I am letting go... I am going to put everything in Gods hands and just pray that I go down the route he wants for me and that everything will work out for the best. All I truley want in this world is to be a mom that my son can be proud of and to have a good heart and make a positive impact on people's lives i touch. I want to leave behind a legacy of love, compassion, and morals. Life is way to short, and there are people fighting for there lives, and grieving theloss of the  love of there lives. I have so many blessings that I dont even realize all of them at times. I might not have that one true friend that I know i could tell anything in the world to with NO judgment and truley trust them But i do have God and i need to start depending on him more.  This has turned into a little self reflection. But hey maybe it will help you as well....  Be grateful for TODAY! xoxo katherine xoxo

Just breathe

This has been a crazy week. I have come to a realization that God has a plan for me, HE will always provide for me and i need to let go of control and just have FAITH that everything will workout the way it is meant to be. I am so blessed in more ways than i even realize. I believe everything that you go through in life, even the mistakes and heartache, make you who you are meant to be.It has made my heart huge, it has given me EMPATHY for others ( to really feel someone elses pain and understand even if you havn't walked in there shoes.) & lots of strength.  It seems like lately everytime I get to that place where I just look to God and ask " what am I going to do!?" he has walked in and given me blessing's upon blessings.

Not to jump around but I have really been wanting to write about this because it is near and dear to my heart! It is coming to the end of may which is Cystic Fibrosis awareness month. When I was doing my pediatric clinical rotation for school I was always assigned to CF patients. We went over CF briefly in class but we didnt go in depth, to learn more about the disease and to help me be a better nurse I decided to "youtube" the words " life with Cystic Fibrosis". I came across a documentary by a young lady named Farrel.

The Video pulled at my heart strings and I contacted Farrel via facebook. After many chats, I truley consider Farrel a friend, she has a huge heart and is a fighter in more ways than one! Here is the difinition of CF from CFF.org -
 Cystic fibrosis is an inherited chronic disease that affects the lungs and digestive system of about 30,000 children and adults in the United States (70,000 worldwide). A defective gene and its protein product cause the body to produce unusually thick, sticky mucus that:

• clogs the lungs and leads to life-threatening lung infections; and
• obstructs the pancreas and stops natural enzymes from helping the body break down and absorb food.
• 
  
• Statistics
  • About 1,000 new cases of cystic fibrosis are diagnosed each year.
  • More than 45% of the CF patient population is age 18 or older.
  • The predicted median age of survival for a person with CF is in the mid-30s.

 You know how some people want to grow up and find the cure for cancer? or become a doctor? Well for me I have finally realized where my heart is, and that is taking care of these patients and helping find  a cure in any way I can. I have come in contact with a few other CFers, one who has been on an amazing journey and is another friend of mine is miss Addie. Addie just underwent a double lung transplant at the age of 25. Can you imagine needing a double lung transplant during the prime of your life? To have to wait for someone else to pass away so you can have a second chance at life, and so you can just BREATHE.Addie is now living life to the fullest and she truly is grateful for her "angel wings" as she calls her new lungs. But she still will always have to keep those lungs healthy and with transplant there can be a whole new set of problems as well. But I will tell you Addie is a fighter and she is doing amazing, it is such an inspiration to see!

The struggles CFers have to go through on a day to day basis just to BREATHE is unbelievable to me. Just to give you an idea here is a list of medications that a CFer has to take daily to help keep there lungs healthy, and dont forget The VEST two times a day for 2-30 mins. The vest is a vest that vibrates and basically shakes the mucus off of the lungs and helps to break it up, this is usually done while doing a breathing treatment. Can you imagine the time it takes day to day......
 Albuterol 2x/day 
Pulmicort 2x/day 
Pulmozyme 2x/day 
Cayston 3x/day (one month on/one off) 
TOBI 2x/day (one month on/one off) 
Symbicort 2x/day 
Flonase 2x/day 
Creon w/food 
Arixtra 1x/day 
AquADEKS 2x/day 
Singulair 1x/day 
Prednisone 1x/day 
Nexium 2x/day 
Iron 3x/day 
Zithromax - MWF 
Magnesium 2x/day 
Senna 1x/day 
Colace 1x/day 
Vitamin C 1x/day 
Allegra 2x/day 
Novolog insulin w/carbs 
Lantus insulin 1x/day 
The Vest 2-3x/day 
OsCal Ultra 2x/day 

I have truly found my passion and I cant wait to become a nurse and  specialize in CF, but hopefully by then we will have a cure and every CFer will finally know waht its like to "Breathe Easy" . To learn more about CF and what you can do to help find a cure go to www.cff.org. Thanks xoxo Katherine

New soul

You know those sayings like ” I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him” or ” Keep your friends close and your enemies closer” or ” You can’t trust anyone”  etc.  Have you ever lived those sayings? I would love to say that I haven’t but I have. It’s a tad bit exhausting… I’m starting to get to that place in life that our parents talk about when we’re kids. The place where we figure out who our real friends are. You know, the kind of friends that drive an hour to bring you tea if you’re sick. Or the friend that you know you’re gonna call when you discover your first grey hair. The one you cry with and laugh with and yell at. All of the above and more.  It is sincerely hard to find friends like that but I can honestly say that I can count mine on one hand. To live life with someone is a big deal. They see the best and worst sides of you. and I mean the WORST sides of you. Not the pretty ones where you cry in front of the mirror to make sure you still look good when they’re trying to console you.. The sides where you’re so broken that a mirror is the least of your worries…The running mascara/puffy cheeks from crying side . The hung over/guilty/immature side. The over emotional/get out of my face/I hate you side. It is rare to find a friend that will stick with you through those ugly times. I know that my family will always be there for me.but its always good to have someone outside of that circle. and I’ve narrowed my number down to a couple. It was hard because I found myself saying ” Well, I think this person would probably maybe stop what they’re doing to help me if my car broke down… if they were less than 10 minutes away..and I gave them gas money…and apologized the whole way home… and maybe i’d buy them dinner to say thank you.”  Nope. The thought should have been ” This person would pick me up if my car broke down.” Bam. Solid thought. No expectations or apologies. ( even though I would still apologize because I apologize about everything. And pay for gas too….but that’s beside the point.)  Find out who your true friends are. However old you are. Peer pressure is a real thing at any age. I’m  22 and still go through it. A real friend cares about you. Your heart. Your mind and your soul. They don’t make fun of your beliefs even if they believe something different. They respect you and the decisions you make but will still make sure they tell you their thoughts on them. They pick you up if you are completely stranded, even if they are on a date. They don’t expect anything from you. They will always tell you the truth. Don’t get lost in pleasing other people. I will tell you from experience that it gets you nowhere. You run in what i call ” The Pleasing People Circle”. It’s a never ending unhappy circle. You are never satisfied. You can never leave the circle because it feels like if you stop running in it everyone will end up hating you. Like a wheel,  you’re the rat in the cage, running and running and running while the world looks in and just smiles. You don’t want it. I promise you. Stop running the wheel. The circle. The person with the painted smile… Find the ones that love you for who you are and accept your family because they last longer than anything else. Enjoy life. It’s too short to flip about the small things. I love you…whoever you are. xoxo

Top 5 fav Nail colors for spring/summer 2011

So if you know me, you know I have an intense obsession/addiction to nail polish. For me nail polish is the easiest and quickest accessory you can wear and truly show your personality, or just add color and fun to your life! With spring & summer in the air I thought I would do a blog what I think is "IN" for spring nail colors and what my top 5 favs are right now. 

*1. MINT GREEN: Essie Mint candy apple

 This has been on my nails for weeks now, it is for sure my go to color right now, i feel like it is super fresh and springy and i just love it! 

*2.Pale Pastel Lavender colors.

It looks so fresh, it not to "in your face" I love it because it adds a nice pop of color but in a very classy and subtle way.

*3. Sky/ Baby blue 

I think this is the perfect color for spring and summer its a nice "cool " and agian fresh pop of color, that is a little more vibrant which i love! 

*4. Coral- ESSI: California Coral $8

Dip your nails in this bright shade. A playful color that is warm, bold, and gorgeous for summer.

*5. Nude bare nails

I am loving these colors! They a great for ANY skin tone, they match any outfit, & great for if you need a more classy put together look!

I hope you all enjoy this little blog I wanted to do something  on a "happy" note, I know my blogs havn't been the best lately. 

HAPPY EASTER

 Landon has already gotten 2 easter baskets and will be getting more treats tonight! hope everyone has an amazing day!!!

xoxo Katherine

unexpected VENT

Hey Guys, so i have clearly been slacking on this whole blogging thing. I dont really know what to talk about anymore, i feel like if i sat here blabbed about my life you would get pretty bored. But if anyone does care ill give ya  a little update on Landon and I.

Monday April 11th was my LAST day of  LPN school !!! It has been  a LONG 21 months... but I made it and made NOTHING less then a B in a class so i have to say i am some what proud of myself, even though there are people in this world that are haters and think that i did it by sitting on my ass everyday. Anyways, this blog might end up turning into a little vent so i will go ahead and apologize now! Moving on.... I had a game plan from day one when I started nursing school when Landon was 4 months old... my plan was to stay home full time with him and get through the LPN program by going at night which meant my schedule would be 5pm-11pm Mon-Thur. At the time when I started I had noway of paying for child care, and my dad worked during the day, mom is unable to physically take care of  Landon due to her RA & everyone else worked during the day so Day school was out of the question for me.I lasted about a year until i realized staying home (as much as people like to think "stay at home moms" dont do shit and they just sit on there ass's all day that is far from the truth)with Landon and studying, homework, study groups, cooking, cleaning, laundry, it became harder and harder to joggle so I decided it was time to put him in daycare for 2-3 days a week for 4-5 hrs tops to allow me time to get things done and maybe even a little "me" time.  After I was to graduate from the LPN program I was planning on going straight into the RN day program which is 15 months and it is Mon-Thurs 8am-4pm. Well I made a stupid decision and decided to change the game plan a little, by the end of my last quarter i became super burnt out and lost faith in myself by believing I wouldnt be able to joggle that much school, no full time child care for landon without adding a huge extra expense that i just cannot in anyway afford, and taking even more time away from him, and was always stressed out, have been fighting anxiety and depression AGIAN. I felt like going to a less expensive community college to get my pre reqs online would be the best decision for me, i felt like i needed somewhat of a break but still stay in school, & best of all spend my summer with my fun little 2 yr old. Well turns out I didnt exactly think it through, I am someone who lives off my finacial aide reimbursments school is basically my job (not that my finances are anyone business or concern) but it is crucial for me to stay in school. I didnt realize how the finacial aide worked with online classes, I would have to pay out of pocket for every single class and have to take a minimun of 12 credit ours to even get my full financial aide. There for I wont be able to go the the school I was planning on going to and have worked it out where I can start back at my old school in July, But thats a whole qaurter I am wasting... so I think what I am going to do is find a little job like a tanning bed or something because I cant take my LPN boards until June ( if i wait until June I wont have to do my 120 hrs) and so I want something just for the summer to get me through and I will work 40 hrs a week and take two pre reqs online through the community college IF i can come up with that money to pay for them, that way I still feel like I am being productive and not putting my life on "hold" and still working towards my main goal in life which is becoming a nurse. ugh This is all so stressful I really just feel so alone and feel so much pressure, like everything is on ME to provide for my son and myself , and i dont even know how in the world i am going to make it right now. On top of all this shit,  I have some personal drama going on and I am so flippin sick and tired of cold hearted inconsiderate people thinking that they can control my life,, and they can judge me when they dont even KNOW ME anymore!! Listen people, until you actually walk in someone elses shoes, you have NO clue how they feel or what they go through every single day or what they have been through!! stop JUDGING , open up your heart and have EMPATHY for people, I am NOT saying  have "pity" but or "sympathy".

I am at a point in my life where I have been trying so hard NOT to depend on ANYONE which I DONT, I have my dad who helps me so much! and I love him and am very appreciative of everything he does for Lanodn and I , and if anyone has steped up as a "father" figure in my sons life it would be my dad. But I don NOT in anyway take advantage of that or take it for granted. AND if it wasnt for The burgiss's who aare amazing good hearted people who truly love landon as if he was there own, I would have NEVER been able to go to school and I know that and am very thankful for them.  BUT you will NEVER see me calling them or anyone to babysit my son while i go out or try to have any part of a social life, yes my dad offers all that time and turn it down constantly. so I am so sick and tired of people judging me and telling what i need to do and not do, well you know what I am doing the best I can and you can take one look at my son a see that he is being raised with morals, and unconditional LOVE, that is ALL i can ask for.  Today I have decided I am ok with cutting negative people who do nothing but hurt me and bring me down out of my life for good, I have stood on my own for so long and i am taking control of my own happiness, I refuse to allow ANYONE to control that!.  So sorry this has turned into a horrible mean vent but i just dont care anymore, I care way to much what eveyrone thinnks about me and i hold so much in because i HATE conflict, I am a walking mat, BUT NOMORE i am DONE! NOONE will talk down to me, or make me feel bad, they will be cut from my life and my sons. I dont care family or not i will not allow it.
OK i am dont  now .... I will have happier blogs up soon i promise .....

                                                           Katherine xoxo