Something I read today

"you need to put more faith and trust and hope in Me than you do in them. They are people, and they will fail you. Even when you try to have low expectations, people won't always meet them. I will never, ever fail or disappoint you."

Follow YOUR heart

I have debated writing this blog for a few days now, but I sure need it right now. I have been feeling so misunderstood and lost. I have more or less begun to hate myself for the choices I have made in this life. My heart is always in the right place and I think and over analyze everything I do in life but it seems like I keep making one bad decision after the other. Florida seemed great in hindsight. For myself and many people looking in from the outside Florida seemed like the right move for Landon and I, it would be a new beginning, fresh start right? Well if you truly know ME as a person and what is important to me you would know that change is a hard thing for me to handle. Even as a little girl growing up I couldn't even have sleep overs because I hated being away from home. I have NEVER lived away from Louisville, or even moved houses (except of course living on my own for the last 3 years). I always have had a "home" and yes that home might have gotten crazy at times do to other issues my family has been dealt but at the end of the day family is family, and you cant give up on people who are sick and you cant run away from your problems. I think in a way if I really sit down and think about it I never truly deep down in my heart and soul wanted to move Landon and I over 1000 miles away from any ounce of home or family and people who TRULY love us and would do anything in the world for us. If you know Landon and I you know we have had a rough road but we have had some special people by our sides the whole time and to take Landon away from that killed me. I could see how unhappy Landon was every single day we were gone, how he had a void in his heart that I just couldn't fill. It really hit me that not only did I just walk away from everyone we love and the small support that I had, but I took that away from Landon. The thought of only seeing these people who mean the world to us and have been by our sides from day one twice a year or less killed me and became so scary for me. It is so easy to say "oh ill fly home every chance I get" and it is easy for people to say they will come visit but when it comes down to it life gets in the way and financial issues get int he way and it becomes seeing your family twice a year and losing the bond and connection. I couldn't stand that thought. I was miserable from day one and felt so alone and our of my element that I literally could not take it anymore. I realized I am just not the type of person to be able to move my whole life so far away. That is just who I am as a person and I understand that it is very hard for some people to understand and relate to that, and that is ok I have to accept that. No matter what I do in life I will be judged for it, I am the one who has to live it so I will always do what in my heart feels right. I have gotten some mean things said to me like "you gave up" "you didn't give it a chance" well that's ok that people feel that way, they clearly don't know me and understand where I am coming from. I have learned to accept the fact that I will never be good enough for some people and that is ok with me. I tried and I honest to God thought I was doing what was best for Landon and I, I had the best intentions to make it work but I just could not and in my heart of hearts did not think I would ever be ok with it. Along with the many people who are against me I have had so many loving, kind, true friends and family by my side who have given me nothing but love and support. I had a great friend (actually a few) say to me that they are proud of me for even thinking of making such a sacrifice and doing what I did and that they never ever expected something like that out of me. Those are the people that I will cherish everyday and be grateful for!

I am content with my decision and have not looked back once. My precious little boy has been so happy and excited to be home again. His behavior is better and you can truly see the light in his beautiful eyes again. My mom and I are working on our relationship and are doing well. I have found a job and plan to head back to school in October! Things are looking up for lee and I, yes we have a long hard road ahead of us but I will NEVER give up on our future and I will always him first. I will always pray for those who hate and those who judge, and I will pray for understanding in myself to understand and have patience with those people who cant relate because they have not walked to same path I have.

Family time

Hope everyone had an amazing wknd! Landon and I spent the wknd at my best friends baby shower and then joined the rest of my family on my aunts farm for my uncle bruces 20 year post kidney transplant party! Landon had a blast! below is a little video i took through out the day!

  

Our BIG move !

     of course I am up at 2am writing  a blog :/ I have had some serious sleeping issues lately.  When I can finally fall asleep I end up waking up from crazy weird dreams and then it takes me forever to get back to sleep again.  I basically just cant seem to shut my mind off these days.  As I'm sure everyone by now knows, Landon and I have finally decided to take  a leap of faith and move our life to Florida!!!  This decision has been weighing on my mind for months now.  I went back and forth through every reason why not to move and then every reason why we should move over and over and over and over.  As a mother this was a very difficult decision for me to make because not only am i changing my life, I am changing Landon's as well.  I am not someone that handles change well at all... many of my close friends always joke about how I never leave my "bubble" which I cant argue with that one.  I love my comfort zone and due to having panic attacks and severe anxiety it is very very hard for me to break out of the safe feeling or comfort zone to embark on something new.  Going through this whole process of deciding what Landon and I should do and what would be best for us right now as well as our future I have learned so much already about myself.  I have learned that you never really find yourself until you leave your comfort zone.   I am very excited for our future with an amazing man who I am so in love with and I grow to love more and more every single day of my life, I am excited for Landon to now have the chance to go to school and meet new friends, i am more than excited to be able to go back to school and hopefully i can meet new a great people as well.  

     Tonight  at Sunday dinner I got a little emotional thinking that Landon and I wont have this anymore... that little bit of family that we have through the Burgiss's is so comforting and something I never had growing up, the family sit down dinners and us girls on the couch watching our Sunday night TV shows.  I am so going to miss it!!  Don't get me wrong, Jesse has an amazing family in Florida, and I am just hoping that people will grow to love Landon as much as we all do here and that he will gain more relationships with some amazing people.  At the end of the day all I want is for my little boy to be happy, I want him to always always feel loved and feel safe. 

    Even though right now I  am a ball of emotions I am still excited for what the future holds and will go into this with a positive attitude.  I know that it will be a huge adjustment for all of us and there will be a few months of being homesick and anxious but I'm praying that I can work through all of that and stay strong for Landon and Jesse.  I want us to all be together and I want us to work, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen and I know Jess is too.  Landon is so excited he talks about it everyday!  I plan on keeping Landon on a very strict schedule when we get there and start him in his new school part time until i start school.  I want to give him time to get used to going to school again as well as ease me into it because I'm sure going to miss my boy all day :(  I also have decided I want to keep a video diary or VLOG as well as keep up with this daily or as much as possible.  I think that would be a fun way to keep everyone at home who is interested in staying in touch with us and watching us grow as a family.  You will be able to see Landon grow, learn and adapt as well as an insight into our little world, the bad and the good.  This is huge journey we are about to embark on as well as a fresh new start that I would love to share with everyone we love!
XO,
Katherine

Real life

I have been craving a blog lately! So much has been goin on. Seems like in my life I always seem to run into a point in time where I honestly feel like my whole world has come crashing down.. Now that may sound pretty dramatic to normal people but you have to know the kind of person I am and the hell I have gone through. Even more so as a mother I want to have everything in order, make the perfect grads, keep a clean and well organized home, have the best behaving child, I want control and perfection. A lot of this comes from my OCD which Is a real mental illness that consumes me at times. Now in reality that is far from what my life is.

I keep seeing so many young girls having children and the mothers parents end up raising the child. Now I am NOoNE to judge but I find myself having jealousy in my heart. For me life as a single mother has been one of the biggest struggles I have ever gone through in my life! From day one my life changed to staying up all night, changing diapers, loads of laundry daily, being a full time nursing student at night and a full time mom during the day, worrying about how your going to get through school, work, and find child care when your options are down to maybe two people In your life, and doing his all completely alone without that partner, the one person that should have been there. It's hard as he'll! I had someone ask me the other day "does it ever get easier" I said "hell no!" things change and your children grow but it never gets easy your challenges just change as they grow. Do you know how much full-time daycare is ? $660.00 a month! $800 for a child until they are one! How do people do it??? This is one of the issues I'm running into now. I want to go back to school full-time at Galen but Galen is an accelerated program abd is in quarters. The schedule for RN students is intense and 16-20 credit hours a quarter. I would be finished in 15 months if I can find a way to get child care and still be able to go to
School and pay rent, bills, and daycare. The childcare assistance program doesn't support anyone going to school, you have to work 20-40 hour per week. If you work 20 they will pay max 70/wk so it doesn't help much when you go to school all day and need full time daycare and they expect you to work on top of all that it's just not even worth working! For me I don't have AnYONE to watch lee anymore. I couldn't work wknds and I cabt work nights so it is so crappy that someone like me Trying to better their life cant go to get some help with child care. Not only does school consist of going ti class it consists of hours upon hours of studying and work outside of class as well! Anyways I have been feelin loads of guilt lately! Feel like I am failing as a mother, I can't even finish schoool and provide for my son they way I want to! He deserves so much more!

When I chose to keep lee I thought I knew somewhat of what I was getting into, but boy was I wrong!! For me in my situation which I understand everyone is different, I sure as he'll was not ready to have a child! I'm so thankful for my boy he is my heart, my soul, my everything! But I wish I could have had my life together so he wouldbt have to suffer and struggle right along side me! But I promises him I'm going to get myself back in school no matter what it takes.. He will have the life I want for him!
So I'll leave it with this.. If you are one of the mothers, single or not.. Be thankful, be thankful if you don't hae to pay for child care, and you have a mom or someone who can be tree right a long side you and help you raise your child while you get life in order for you abd your child. My mom has never even been able to hold Landon. I know now that I have lost the little support thT I had from the two people in my life, I'm still thankful! Thankful for the amazing man who came into Landons and my life and has been nothing but a blessing to us, thankful to have a roof over out heads because lord know we cant live with my parents! Abd I'm thankful for my healthy, crazy wild, out of control, sweet, loving son!

wow! what a difference several months can make.  I never ever saw my life taking the turn that is has recently.  Lets just say I truly BELIEVE in "everything happens for a reason".  I have finally found someone who is everything that I have prayed and prayed for.  Jesse came into my life when I needed him the most... he was surely the last person that I would have every expected but I am so happy and thankful that God had our paths cross the way they have.. I even think maybe that a very special person had a hand in it as well : ).  I came into Jesse's life at the worst time for him,  in some way looking back I think we both needed each other.  At the time Jesse had just lost the love of his life, his wife who he fought right along side with for years, his heart was completely shattered.  Neither one of us were looking for a relationship at all, that was never our intentions in the beginning.  The guilt I felt for months was sickening... I felt like I was stealing someones husband in a way... even though Sara isn't here it made my heart hurt so bad every time I would think of her.  Than a very good friend Addie who was Sara's cyster and BF told me to one night to "just go and pray about it, pray to Sara".  It was something so simple that I hadn't even thought of doing.  That night I prayed like crazy to her, praying that she was ok, that she was happy and not hurting, and that I hoped so badly she was ok with this, and now to this day I thank Sara everyday for sharing Jesse with me.  Because of Sara's beautiful heart and love for life,  I now have been blessed with such and amazing man, and I owe all of that to her.  Its because of Sara that Jesse is such a strong, full of life, positive, selfless person.  I am beyond THANKFUL. If there was one thing I could say to Sara today it would be.... THANK YOU :) and that I truly think of her every single day and have so much respect for her.  Sara has touched my life and heart in more ways than most people could even imagine, and i didn't even know her but it has been amazing getting to know such a beautiful person through Jesse, I feel honored and blessed everyday.

Landon and I are in Florida for a month, the whole reason behind this trip was to take a break from school and the chaos and family drama I have at home to really focus on my son and building a relationship with Jesse.  I'm realizing what is really important in life, and that my family.  For so long I have lived to be perfect, and make sure everyone saw how great i was doing and how i could keep it all together, when in reality I was miserable and not living at all, I was just getting through the everyday motions of life and not truly living it.  Now I am taking chances and following my heart.  This trip has showed me how well Landon can adapt, and how well Jesse is with Landon.  Jesse needed to see what it was like 24 hours and day with a 2 year and he sure has had a nice reality check but has handled it better than I have.  His patience with Landon is amazing, he has been actually teaching me a little something about parenting : ) It has been really nice experiencing what its like with a partner in all this.. let me tell you it is a whole new world when you have someone to help you and walk through the struggles with you. 

I truly Love it down here... even though this week i was a little homesick but Jess was working so much Landon lee and I were at home all by ourselves all day.. I ventured out a few times but I don't really know my way around here and with my anxiety it gets me a little crazy lol. I think it would be so much better if i had my own place down here... to make it our own and to baby proof it.  I would love to live here.. but i don't want to hurt anyone. I know that the Burgiss's would be heart broken and so would my dad.  So that is the one thing holding me back from committing to moving.  I also wouldn't have any support if I needed a babysitter or if Jesse and I wanted to have a date night. I want Landon surrounded by people who love him, so I don't want to take that away from him either.  His happiness must come before mine no matter what.  I feel like I am at a crossroads right now. We have big decisions to make but like my dad said we can always come home if we need to.

" Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you will be criticized anyways" - Eleanor Roosevelt

Life. Love. Happiness

hey guys, its been a while!! So much has been going on lately...  I honestly don't even know where to begin so I'm not exactly sure where this blog is going to go.  First off i have to say how damn grateful I am for the amazing people God has brought into my life recently.  Kasie Cook is one of my best friends since I was in 6th grade, we grew apart for a few years but suddenly she has come back into my life and we are closer than ever. Kasie is the most loyal, caring, and selfless person I have ever known and I honestly couldn't imagine getting through these last couple of months without her by my side.  The other person is my amazing boyfriend who has become my rock! Jesse and I met at a time that wasn't so bright and shiny for him, this man is the strongest 27 year old I have ever known! what he has been through i could never even begin to imagine going trough and coming out as strong and positive as he has.  He teaches me so much every day, his love for life and his appreciation for the simple things in life are truly inspiring.  I never ever have felt so loved by someone, and I have never in my life felt so in love with someone as i do Jess.  There are times I just look at him and thank God for such an amazing man standing by my side who loves me through all of my craziness and accepts me for me and most importantly accepts my precious little boy.  Sometimes I don't think i deserve such amazing people and blessings in my life, but boy am I THANKFUL!!!

Its been a rough couple of months, I have been severely depressed.  I never truly understood depression before I actually walked it myself.  My mom suffers from severe depression at times from her chronic RA. Growing up I would watch her lay in bed for days and couldn't understand it or even try to sympathize with her pain.  What I have learned over the last couple of months that I think is really hard for someone on the outside looking in to grasp is depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain and the person suffering from it (at times) has NO CONTROL!  There were days where i would just sit and cry, I couldn't even get the energy to put makeup on or fix my hair.  My grades were failing, I was losing my focus and my drive.  The worst part for me has been the guilt that comes along with my depression, I beat myself up over it because I myself had such a hard time understand why I just couldn't just "snap out of it" or be happy, here i am with a beautiful healthy little boy, a decent apartment on my own, a good job, a family who supports me, but here I am miserable!! .  I think a lot of it was because I totally burnt myself out my first quarter of RN school and taken on way to much!  Landon was spinning out of control and having a really hard time which was giving me severe anxiety and guilt.  So here I am, I have been on antidepressants for about 3 months now and they seem to be taking the edge off but I still have my bad and good days.  I just think at this point in my life Id like to take a quarter off school even though I feel like people will think I am a failure and I am giving up, but IM NOT I just want to be here for landon and refocus for awhile, get myself back and allow landon more stability in his life which is so desperately needs.  I cant tell you how amazing it has been the past couple of weeks just baking cookies with him, reading to him at night, being home for tubby time, waking up to his crazy butt and taking him to and from school instead of depending on my dad or cyns mom to help me so much i am getting my son back and there is NOTHING more important than that.

I want to take some time to truly enjoy life and enjoy the time I have. This scares me because I am the kind of person who feels like I always ahve to be doing something, like working a billion hours a week or going to school full time adn working fridays and wknds, but iv realized my son and my health is more important and i need to refocus to be a better mom.  Life will pass you by so fast, take some time to live for today, thats something i have NEVER done before.