Thursday, July 21, 2011
Do you ever just feel complety out of control? Well I cant stand that feeling, which is why i am the biggest neat freak, perfectionist & ocd person you will ever meet. It all boils down to my desperate need for control and structure in my life. I have always felt like there has always been one person in my life that has control over me and my happiness, rather it was my brother and all of that bull or my horrible relationship with my sons dad or me trying to please my so called "friends". I always think of everyone else before myself... I am deathly afraid of hurting people and making people mad at me, so when I am hurt or angry I hold it in and keep my mouth shut. This in turn builds and builds in me then I just bust or take it out on the WRONG people. I am a very very very sensitive person, I expect SO much out of others because I know what I would do, which is why I am so easliy hurt and let down by others, but in turn it makes me sincerley APPRECIATE the good in people and the LITTLE things in life. Its crazy how things can come full circle like that, how a negative thing can be turned into a positive....I am trying so hard to look at the positive in people and understand that sometimes people just arent who you want them to be or need them to be so its ok to forgive and just move on with your life without them in it. Forgivness is letting go of the anger for yourself, it is NOT saying that what that person did was ok, its just being the bigger person and LETTING GO. I think we all harbor and hold on to alot more then we could ever imagine.
I am hurt as hell right now by alot of things and alot of people. I feel like I just keep getting stabbed in the back and shitted on. I found myself asking "what did I do? what did I do to cause this?". Sometimes you have to take a step back and truley look at yourself, but at the same time it might not even be you, if very well could be that it is that person and there demons and problems that they need to work out for themselves.
I am letting go... I am going to put everything in Gods hands and just pray that I go down the route he wants for me and that everything will work out for the best. All I truley want in this world is to be a mom that my son can be proud of and to have a good heart and make a positive impact on people's lives i touch. I want to leave behind a legacy of love, compassion, and morals. Life is way to short, and there are people fighting for there lives, and grieving theloss of the love of there lives. I have so many blessings that I dont even realize all of them at times. I might not have that one true friend that I know i could tell anything in the world to with NO judgment and truley trust them But i do have God and i need to start depending on him more. This has turned into a little self reflection. But hey maybe it will help you as well.... Be grateful for TODAY! xoxo katherine xoxo