Tuesday, November 4, 2014

A heavy heart

I honestly don't even know where to begin. I don't know what I even want to write about right now but what I do know is I need to vent and I need to just start writing. 

Life has been so good lately.  This quarter of school has just started a few weeks ago and I did great on my first two exams. I was so proud of myself. I could say I have been the happiest iv felt in  a very long time. I feel like myself.. like we have found a good balance and I am ok.  The kids and I have been doing well with adjusting to our new very early morning schedule and Landon Lee is doing amazing in school. That boy  enjoys his friends and teachers so much,  Watching him grow into such an amazing sweet young little boy has been so unbelievably amazing and rewarding.  I am beyond proud to be his mommy.

Ellie girl is doing great!  She still is  a little feisty and energetic sweet baby girl. Ellie will push and test people to the max and immediately grab your nose  with the biggest smile on her face as her way of saying  I am sorry :( . 

It always seems as if I finally feel like  I can take  deep breath and say ok we can do this.... life throws you some curves balls you weren't expecting...
My life is so busy joggling work, two kids alone, and  full time nursing student in  an accelerated program that I have put a few things in the back of my mind that I had refused to allow me to lose my focus or my  drive.   Today all those emotions that I have stuffed and tried to forget and let go of just came bursting out of me.  I sat at my best friends kitchen table and just completely lost it.  I grabbed the phone and called my sweet dad and I couldn't even get a word out when i heard his voice.. all I could do was just cry and cry and cry..., I finally was able to utter the words " I just cant do this any more dad... I cant fight this I cant keep fighting " ... that's exactly how I feel sometimes... I feel like I am just surviving... I am fighting through everyday to keep everything together and to keep everyone happy ... things fall through the cracks... Landon's permission slip for his field trip gets turned in late,  we run out of diapers and have to go to the store last minute, the house isn't spotless,  I fail an exam, I have a battle with a 5 year old at 10 minutes until bus is due to come over the fact that he suddenly hates all 5 pairs of shoes in his closet and cant possibly wear any of them...  all of these things I can live with... its part of being  a mom and really a human being.. you cant possibly do it all. no one can.  But what I absolutely cant  deal with or live with is this anger and this hurt inside of me.  As a mother I will never understand how or why anyone who wants to call themselves a parent could be so selfish and attempt to mess with a child's life and security.  Tonight I sit here with my heart completely and utterly shattered in a  million pieces not for me but for my sweet girl . As a mom you want to fight for them when you feel that someone clearly doesn't have your child best interest at heart... I more than anything want to just plead my case and be Ellie's voice... I want to be her strength and I will be her Voice and I will fight for her.

 I will never ever forget people telling me that  I was "lucky" that Landon's dad wasn't in his life... or that I never had to fight in court or go through any sort of battle over him in court.. he merely just went away. I never ever could possibly understand how anyone could think that we were "lucky" . I remember thinking how the hell is Landon lucky that he doesn't know who his father is... how am I lucky that I am raising this child alone?  how is that lucky?  well now I get it.  Landon's dad did us a favor.  He was in  a bad  place... his addiction wouldn't allow him to be a father or to be someone that needed to be in  a child's life. He knew that, we all knew that. We all had to accept it and move on with our  lives without him. It truly was one of the hardest times in my life to lost someone I thought was my best friend.  He never once tried to hurt us in anyways. He never once tried to come into Landon's life when he knew he wasn't ready....in a weird and honest way I have respect for that.  I am very thankful for that.  He didn't want to cause us anymore heart ache or pain than he had already caused. He never tried to come in and out of Landon's life only to cause more damage than good. I am grateful for that.

  Landon has many pictures of his dad and  he knows he has a father. We have discussed this due to him seeing Ellie have her Father come around a couple of  times since she was born. He didn't  understand why she has a father and he didn't. I had to explain to Landon that Yes he does have a dad and I showed him pictures that I am so grateful I kept for him. It was easier for me to help Landon relate to his dad by explaining that he is sick. Similar to Uncle Ryan (my brother). Landon unfortunately was very close to Ryan and has somewhat of  an understanding (as much as a 5 year old can) of Ryan's  struggle and of Ryan being sick,  making poor choices and that with those choices consequences come along.  I made sure to tell Landon that it wasn't his fault. His dad loves him he just isn't able to be the dad that Landon would need.  It was the one conversation I had dreaded for years and had rehearsed over and over in my head how and what I would say and when I would say it. I always said I would be honest as age appropriately honest as a I could be to Landon.  I am praying that  I handled it the right way for a 5 year old. I just plan to always answer whatever questions he may have and it helps that we have such a great relationship with Landon's aunt who is his dads sister.  He will always know where he came from and that he is so beyond loved. I vowed to never utter a negative word  about his father to him.  With all of  that being said, Landon would have had way more heartache and questions IF his father had selfishly chose to walk in and out of his life... I cant imagine the pain a child has from the roller coaster of emotions that I would assume comes along with a parent who walks in and out or comes around when its good for them or someone who attempts to have the child come into their life instead of the parent coming into the child's life, and adjusting to the needs of the child.  I has to be hard as a parent to watch your child go through that and I cant imagine the lasting effects of that type of parent child relationship. 

I want to protect my daughter and my son from that.  I want stability for both of them. I don't want to fight and I sure as hell will not fight over a child. I want Ellie to have what Landon didn't have the chance to have... I never wanted to ever take that away from her EVER!! That has actually been the opposite of what I wanted for her and I have fought and fought for Ellie to have that from day one. I have done everything in my power, but at the end of the day it is not in my control.   The roller coaster of emotions and the back and forth that I have been dealing with regarding my own fight has bee draining as a mother and emotionally traumatizing to say the least.  I have done everything I possibly could have done to make things better. To make things blow over and to be the best mom I can be and make the best choices for my child and yet I still am not done fighting for her. I have to be her voice because she doesn't have one in all of this.  I am praying that my voice is strong enough  to finally stand up and fight for what my family and I truly believe to be what is best for this little girl.  we have been drugged through  the ringer over and over again , we have bent over backwards to accommodate and to give into everything that has been asked of us to allow Ellie to have what Landon doesn't have in his life... yet it never was good enough. You cant walk away from the responsibility of parenthood and a child. ITs not OK! a child's bond and respect and love now needs to be earned and that will take a lot of work, sacrifice and commitment.  I wish this came naturally to people but clearly it doesn't.  My heart is so heavy tonight and filled with so many emotions. I am crying for this sweet little girl and I am angry... in a way angry at myself as well... angry that once again I brought another child into this world with someone that wasn't ready and I brought them into this broken relationship. I find myself feeling so guilty about that, and doing anything I can to make up for that everyday. I have to find my strength and my voice to speak up for what is right. I feel completely helpless right now and all I can do is just hold my babies a little tighter and  Pray that everything works out in the best interest of the child that is the goal of all of this nonsense.

My love and prayers to anyone who has gone through this which I know I am not the first one but It sure feels very lonely.