Saturday, September 20, 2014

the story

I woke up this morning feeling so relieved! I have officially finished my 1st quarter back in nursing school!  I can truly say that the last three months have been extremely hard for me and I had times where I honestly didn't know if I was going to make it but here  I am!  I still have a long road ahead but I am pretty darn proud of myself :)

I have a lot of people in my life who love the kids and I and support us with everything they have but I also have a few who doubt me which just pushes me even harder.

Everyone has a story. Everyone has a path they take that makes them who they are. For me my path has been a little rocky to say the least. I have been through times that I honestly didn't think I.could survive, moments where all I could do was just cry and pray that this chapter would soon pass. The brokenness I felt when jesse and I broke up, getting pregnant with my ellie girl and thinking how in the hell can I raise two kids alone... having to live with the guilt of knowing how much I disappointed my parents yet again. We all.have things that happen to us that help mold us into who we are. For me I feel I am one strong ass girl because of the decisions I have made and having to live and truly live with those consequences and choices.
I feel like lately I have been judged by others before they even get to know me. I had an opportunity to tell a little of my story the other day to a stranger who I happened to run into st the store. This person I noticed had Rheumatoid like my momma so I was helping her with her bags and that's when I noticed her hands. We got to chatting about my mom and I was able to share my.moms.journey and struggle with this horrible disease and it led into my life growing up with a parent who was battling a chronic disease and how that effected me as a child. Things like How it changed my expectations in men due to seeing my dad become such an amazing, loyal, faithful, and strong husband and father . She looked at me and said " do you have a man by your side hunny?" I explained how i was a raisi ng two kids alone and how my dad has stepped in as that role for my precious babies, she said " you will never settle for.less now" she is so right. I will never settle for less than what these kids and i deserve. I got me thinking how i so badly want God to send me that right person for us, that partner, that best friend to walk through this crazy journey with us. Times I feel like I might not deserve that or I'll never be good enough or pretty enough or how why would anyone want to take on a girl and two kids right? She said " trust me sweetie God has a plan for you and your heart will be stolen before you know it". I praying she is right lol. I  also explained how I grew up watching my mom basically living in chronic pain, constant surgeries and falls, infections like MRSA, 3rd stage liver failure, bipolsr disorder, severe depression, drug dependancy, and how I never understood how someone could hurt so bad physically and mentally yet still wake up everyday. Telling this lady my story and just a glimpse into my world helped me realize how strong I am and how inspiring my journey and story is. This lady was brought to tears and told me how she will never complain another second about her pain because she was just diagnosed in her 60s, she had her time she said without the pain of this disease unlike my mom who was diagnosed at 19 years old. She prayed with me when I told her it is always in the back of my.mind that most likely this crippling disease could hit me too. Ib had symptoms thst could possibly be indicators of it for a few years now that only a few parents and a few friends know but I won't get tested for it anytime soon. was.robbed of so many things yet she still loves her life the best she can. That right there gives me strength. So many people are so fast to.judge others. They see my mom as this addict  and someone who wasn't the best mom she could be and I know I am very guilty if this as well. I held onto a lot of resentment and anger towards her for so many years because I felt like I was robbed of a mom, I needed her and she never was there. Looking from her view I have better understanding now. I grown so much over the last few years. I learned to let go and accept people for who they are. I have never had to walk her path who the hell am I to judge anyone?
 So many people look at me before getting to know me and think I have this perfect little life. My life has been hell at times and I have been broken and damaged in so many ways. Yet it had made me the mother I am today and the person I am today I love harder than most, I have the ability to truly empathize with people who hurt , people who struggle with addiction will always have a soft spot in my heart. I truly believe I am a survivor in so many ways. I will never ever give up on this life and I will never give up on myself. I might not believe in myself as much as I should and I might have so super low self confidence but I am a work in progress and still have a lot of growing to do.
I guess the lesson here is to never judge. You never know someone's story and what they have had to over come to get to where they are even if they may not be where they want to be. I wouldn't trade this journey or my struggles for anything.  I am so grateful for meeting this sweet lady the other day. She brightened my day more than she will every know.