Wednesday, August 22, 2012

BRoKen heart Card- exactly how I feel

here we go again try to sway my friends' opinion you're so good at the game of pretend but you'll never win so go ahead & blame it on me try to make em believe the victim you are go ahead cry like a baby make me look crazy play the broken heart card oh oh they won't believe a word you say oh oh they all know what you did to me so baby you can throw away your broken heart card slip on your mask study your hand put on your pokerface & draw them in & baby don't forget to lose the grin so go ahead & blame it on me try to make em believe the victim you are go ahead cry like a baby make me look crazy play the broken heart card oh oh they won't believe a word you say oh oh they all know what you did to me so baby you can throw away your broken heart card you're the king of charades & you wrote the book on fake & you'll never getaway this time no no no you made the ultimate mistake when you walked out on me that day don't you see it wasn't me you chose your fate but of course you blame it on me try to make em believe the victim you are there you are crying like a baby makin me look crazy with your broken heart card oh oh I won't believe a word you say I DEAL WITH THE PAIN EVERY SINGLE DAY SO BABY PLEASE JUST THROW AWAY that stupid broken heart card that stupid broken heart card...

the book UNGLUED

So i came across a blog that was written by a beautiful mother with an amazing  home a loving husband and a strong Christian faith with two beautiful healthy little girls. Yet she wrote a raw and honest blog entry about how she feels so out of control some days and how she has lashed out and lost her temper on her children and husband.  She speaks of disappointment in herself for losing that control.  I honestly can relate to this so much!  Not only with Landon but with many people in my life I have lost my temper and control.  I am a very strong willed, control freak person who needs structure and organization in my life.  But when you have a child or two that structure is thrown out the window pretty fast and your patience and strength is tested every single day. The whining, the temper tantrums, the messes, the endless amounts of laundry, the financial stresses, the losing yourself all of these factors feed into my day where I just BREAK or become UNGLUED.  Going through these day to day struggles I have learned that very few people understand and are capable of having compassion and will be very quick to judge a mother for getting upset or losing patients.  The blog I read offered a book by a Christian writer called "UNGLUED".  She stated that this book has really helped her cope and not lash out at loved ones.  I have already started reading the book and can relate to every single word written so far.  A few excerpts that hit straight home for me are as follows:

"I have to figure this out.  What is my problem? Why cant i seem to control my reactions? I stuff. I explode. And I don't know how to get a handle on this, but God help me if I don't get a handle on this I will destroy the relationships I value the most...."

" I know what its like to praise God one minute and in the next scream and yell at my child- and then feel both the burden of my destructive behavior and the shame of my powerlessness to stop it."

I can totally relate to that feeling... I am sure we all can relate to being on the other end of the spectrum as well. Being yelled at or feeling that horrible gut wrenching feeling of disrespect and hurt makes me want to hurt that person even more than they hurt me.  This book teaches us women how to manage the hormones and emotions.  How to  "Respond with no regrets by managing your tendencies to stuff, explode, or react somewhere in between. Gain a deep sense of calm by responding to situations out of your control without acting out of control".  I know these are lessons I need and I am sure I am not standing here alone.  I also need to learn how to deal with the difficult people in my life that continue to let me down, or that I just cant see eye to eye with.  I think this book will be great strength and hope for me... I just wanted to share it with you guys and if anyone else chooses to read it I would love to hear your thoughts!

Sunday, August 19, 2012

the new me i hope to be

  I really have been trying so hard to work on myself as a person and really dig deep to find who I am. I am sure we all have things we would like to change about ourselves right?  I think the most beautiful people in this world are those who have learned heartache, compassion and understanding for others.  These are all things that I like to believe the struggles I have gone through have instilled in me.  BUT I also have some major flaws that I want to fix and work on.  I also think it takes a very mature and strong person to be able to truly self reflect and realize their flaws and attemp to change them which is why I am on this journey of healing and becoming the mom and person I would like to be.  I have sat down and made a list of the things I would like to work on:

                                                 * when I am hurt I lash out and say things I truly dont mean but I am just hurt and angry (which I am sure we all have done or do) but for me this seems to get me in a lot of trouble and hurt people I love.  I would like to learn how to express that I am hurting in a healthier way.
                                                  * LeT GO!- I want to let go of the past and really move on.

                                                  * DONT JUDGE-  If you truly know me you know I have a very strong faith, I dont go to church every sunday but I do have a very loving and strong relationship with the Lord that honestly means so much to me.  With that said I would like to be someone who tries to not cast judgment onto others and to be kind as I can be and always have love in my heart.

                                                 * Love and Be happy- being happy, sounds so easy right? for some peopel it can be a daily battle.  at the end of the day I want to cherish the people who truly love me and are REAL genuine Friends and or family and wash my hands of the fake, judgmental, only there when they feel like it people. 

These are the main things that I  am working on through this journey of self reflection. 

Friday, August 10, 2012

Something I read today

"you need to put more faith and trust and hope in Me than you do in them. They are people, and they will fail you. Even when you try to have low expectations, people won't always meet them. I will never, ever fail or disappoint you."

Follow YOUR heart

I have debated writing this blog for a few days now, but I sure need it right now. I have been feeling so misunderstood and lost. I have more or less begun to hate myself for the choices I have made in this life. My heart is always in the right place and I think and over analyze everything I do in life but it seems like I keep making one bad decision after the other. Florida seemed great in hindsight. For myself and many people looking in from the outside Florida seemed like the right move for Landon and I, it would be a new beginning, fresh start right? Well if you truly know ME as a person and what is important to me you would know that change is a hard thing for me to handle. Even as a little girl growing up I couldn't even have sleep overs because I hated being away from home. I have NEVER lived away from Louisville, or even moved houses (except of course living on my own for the last 3 years). I always have had a "home" and yes that home might have gotten crazy at times do to other issues my family has been dealt but at the end of the day family is family, and you cant give up on people who are sick and you cant run away from your problems. I think in a way if I really sit down and think about it I never truly deep down in my heart and soul wanted to move Landon and I over 1000 miles away from any ounce of home or family and people who TRULY love us and would do anything in the world for us. If you know Landon and I you know we have had a rough road but we have had some special people by our sides the whole time and to take Landon away from that killed me. I could see how unhappy Landon was every single day we were gone, how he had a void in his heart that I just couldn't fill. It really hit me that not only did I just walk away from everyone we love and the small support that I had, but I took that away from Landon. The thought of only seeing these people who mean the world to us and have been by our sides from day one twice a year or less killed me and became so scary for me. It is so easy to say "oh ill fly home every chance I get" and it is easy for people to say they will come visit but when it comes down to it life gets in the way and financial issues get int he way and it becomes seeing your family twice a year and losing the bond and connection. I couldn't stand that thought. I was miserable from day one and felt so alone and our of my element that I literally could not take it anymore. I realized I am just not the type of person to be able to move my whole life so far away. That is just who I am as a person and I understand that it is very hard for some people to understand and relate to that, and that is ok I have to accept that. No matter what I do in life I will be judged for it, I am the one who has to live it so I will always do what in my heart feels right. I have gotten some mean things said to me like "you gave up" "you didn't give it a chance" well that's ok that people feel that way, they clearly don't know me and understand where I am coming from. I have learned to accept the fact that I will never be good enough for some people and that is ok with me. I tried and I honest to God thought I was doing what was best for Landon and I, I had the best intentions to make it work but I just could not and in my heart of hearts did not think I would ever be ok with it. Along with the many people who are against me I have had so many loving, kind, true friends and family by my side who have given me nothing but love and support. I had a great friend (actually a few) say to me that they are proud of me for even thinking of making such a sacrifice and doing what I did and that they never ever expected something like that out of me. Those are the people that I will cherish everyday and be grateful for!

I am content with my decision and have not looked back once. My precious little boy has been so happy and excited to be home again. His behavior is better and you can truly see the light in his beautiful eyes again. My mom and I are working on our relationship and are doing well. I have found a job and plan to head back to school in October! Things are looking up for lee and I, yes we have a long hard road ahead of us but I will NEVER give up on our future and I will always him first. I will always pray for those who hate and those who judge, and I will pray for understanding in myself to understand and have patience with those people who cant relate because they have not walked to same path I have.