Tuesday, May 14, 2013


Oh dear God today I feel like I am on the verge of a complete mental breakdown!!! Just so much for one person to handle! I am totally failing at being a mom of two. I just completly suck at life right now and all I want to do is ball up and cry.
Ellie is a handful to say the least. She literally cried pretty much all the time. It takes a good 3-4 hrs to get her to sleep at night and she usually is up evey 4 hrs on a good night. Last night was one of the hell nights that seem to come along every few days. We slept a cumulative f a bout 3 hrs. I was up at 7am driving her around just so I didn't have to listen to crying anymore. This blog is all about being honest, the bad, the ugly, as everything in between so please excuse me is this seems like I'm ungratful because I am not at all. Lets be real if you are a mother who has legit had to raise your child I am sure you have had these moments or days where you literally just want to give up! 
Yes these babies are the best thing in my life and I be lost without them but whew I am worn out and a nervous wreck. I have completly lost who I am. I have nothing in this life that is truly for me anymore which is exactly what parenthood is about and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I would beer complain about being a mother when it was my decisions that led me here but I can't stand that fact that once again I am standing here alone and the weight of the world and well being of these children lays strictly on my shoulders. That to me is not fair and yes I am very angry and resentful. I know there are ppl outthete who don't agree with me and have not heard my side of the story which sucks beause I so badly want to get the truth out but I can't and that is also just eating me alive. At the end of the day the ppl who love my children and I mean truly love and know them they are the ones who matter and they are the ones who truly know us and support us. For that I am so thankful! 
Iv been broken and beat up emotionally these past few months by so many ppl that I truly loved,trusted, and believed in. I never thought my heart could hrt so bad and how much someone could hate me to the point of intentionally hurting me in anyway they could. That is something I need so badly to move on and let go from. I want to let go of the anger and resentment and accept that this is who thy are and it's their loss not mine. I am blessed to be able to be a mother and hold my daughter and son everyday. I am the one they will love and truly bond with. I am the one they will go to for love and support and waking and for that I am beyond grateful!  Today is a challenge as I like to call them but this to shall pass and I will try my best to find the peaceful moments in the midst of the challenges. I am a survivor in more way the. Anyone knows. .