Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Life. Love. Happiness

hey guys, its been a while!! So much has been going on lately...  I honestly don't even know where to begin so I'm not exactly sure where this blog is going to go.  First off i have to say how damn grateful I am for the amazing people God has brought into my life recently.  Kasie Cook is one of my best friends since I was in 6th grade, we grew apart for a few years but suddenly she has come back into my life and we are closer than ever. Kasie is the most loyal, caring, and selfless person I have ever known and I honestly couldn't imagine getting through these last couple of months without her by my side.  The other person is my amazing boyfriend who has become my rock! Jesse and I met at a time that wasn't so bright and shiny for him, this man is the strongest 27 year old I have ever known! what he has been through i could never even begin to imagine going trough and coming out as strong and positive as he has.  He teaches me so much every day, his love for life and his appreciation for the simple things in life are truly inspiring.  I never ever have felt so loved by someone, and I have never in my life felt so in love with someone as i do Jess.  There are times I just look at him and thank God for such an amazing man standing by my side who loves me through all of my craziness and accepts me for me and most importantly accepts my precious little boy.  Sometimes I don't think i deserve such amazing people and blessings in my life, but boy am I THANKFUL!!!

Its been a rough couple of months, I have been severely depressed.  I never truly understood depression before I actually walked it myself.  My mom suffers from severe depression at times from her chronic RA. Growing up I would watch her lay in bed for days and couldn't understand it or even try to sympathize with her pain.  What I have learned over the last couple of months that I think is really hard for someone on the outside looking in to grasp is depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain and the person suffering from it (at times) has NO CONTROL!  There were days where i would just sit and cry, I couldn't even get the energy to put makeup on or fix my hair.  My grades were failing, I was losing my focus and my drive.  The worst part for me has been the guilt that comes along with my depression, I beat myself up over it because I myself had such a hard time understand why I just couldn't just "snap out of it" or be happy, here i am with a beautiful healthy little boy, a decent apartment on my own, a good job, a family who supports me, but here I am miserable!! .  I think a lot of it was because I totally burnt myself out my first quarter of RN school and taken on way to much!  Landon was spinning out of control and having a really hard time which was giving me severe anxiety and guilt.  So here I am, I have been on antidepressants for about 3 months now and they seem to be taking the edge off but I still have my bad and good days.  I just think at this point in my life Id like to take a quarter off school even though I feel like people will think I am a failure and I am giving up, but IM NOT I just want to be here for landon and refocus for awhile, get myself back and allow landon more stability in his life which is so desperately needs.  I cant tell you how amazing it has been the past couple of weeks just baking cookies with him, reading to him at night, being home for tubby time, waking up to his crazy butt and taking him to and from school instead of depending on my dad or cyns mom to help me so much i am getting my son back and there is NOTHING more important than that.

I want to take some time to truly enjoy life and enjoy the time I have. This scares me because I am the kind of person who feels like I always ahve to be doing something, like working a billion hours a week or going to school full time adn working fridays and wknds, but iv realized my son and my health is more important and i need to refocus to be a better mom.  Life will pass you by so fast, take some time to live for today, thats something i have NEVER done before.