It is NEVER to late to Heal

warning I am extremely emotional tonight so we can only expect a venting/crappy blog...first off I want to say THANK YOU! thank you to all of the amazing people who reached out with love and support for me and my family after watching the episode of Intervention.  It took a lot of courage for my family to throw our struggles out to the whole world to see. I did it in a last stitch effort to save my brother. I now know that whatever he chooses to do with his life and whatever road he travels I did everything I knew how to do to help him and save him.  NOONE can be saved unless they want it bad enough. One thing I truly believe in is the fact that YOU are in charge of your own life and your own happiness... it is up to you as a your own person to CHOOSE happiness...It is not about how you act in life, its about how you REACT.  This is coming from someone who has struggled with debilitating panic disorder and depression... I am a single mom who has had to put my dreams on hold to put my kids first and I have had to work my ass off and throw every need for myself away because these precious beautiful babies need ME. I couldn't even tell you who the hell I am anymore. I have watched my brother spiral out of control.. I have watched him make everyone lives around him pure hell, I have watched my mom nearly Die numerous times right in front of me... I have been in two relationships in my life that became extremely unhealthy... I have allowed others words to define me and to hurt me .. I have allowed people to convince me that my failure in life is becoming  a mother... NOT anymore.  I have been on this journey of renewing myself... finding who I am, who I want to stand for and what I want my kids to see.  I want to be a loving, calm. caring, and most of all a HAPPY person.  Everyday I wake up and I say "Today I am choosing HAPPINESS".  it is not easy let me tell yoU! Especially the last few days... I woke up to a txt msg saying I have 8 dollars in my acct. and lee had a fever and I had no medicine for him and was forced to ask my dad to buy it for him, Ellie was out of formula and I needed to refill her reflux meds.  Then later that day my mom suddenly collapsed and hit the floor so hard her arm was broken in two different bones and EMS were called, we were all so scared for her. Later that day I thought to myself  "here we go.. here is your test... are you going to choose happiness?" and you know what ... that is exactly what I did. I just thought "wow here I am so healthy and I have this amazing gift of being a mother... my mom is going to be OK Thank God.. and its going to be ok... it will ... it has to be ok". I held my kids a little tighter then usual and I prayed like crazy for my mom and my poor dad who is just barely hanging on as it is.  I came home cleaned the house like a bat shit crazy person and an amazing, loving, and kind friend of mine came by with formula for Ellie (so I didn't have to get my sleeping baby and Landon out in the pouring rain just to run to the store for formula.) and dinner for us. What an amazing blessing she was that day. she also rocked ellie after her bath so I could get lee a bath and ready for bed.. I cant tell you how grateful I am for her that day... I sure needed the company and the extra loving hand. Thank you sweet girl!  I laid in bed with my beautiful peaceful sleeping  babies and I finally was able to feel a glimpse of  peace again.  Those kids are my world.. my light and my saving grace.

This whole taking control of my life is something that has made me even stronger then I already am... It has allowed me to walk away from a horrible unhealthy relationship... it has taught me that the one who holds their tongue and the one who can ignore the hate and keep God strong in their heart... they are the strongest. It has forced me to stand up for myself and to really go after what I truly believe to be right in my heart and to choose my own path in life.  I have HOPE.  I know this isn't where I am supposed to be and I have faith that  God has an amazing plan for me and the kids... I have been through to much pain and hurt to give up now. It all has to be worth it someday right?

I have a plan and I have goals and dreams for us... I wont stop and I wont give up because we deserve the best.. we deserve a good life and by God I will make that happen because I am the only one who can do it. I will work a million hours a week if I have to but I will do it .. and I will get get through school... I will become an RN... it might take time ... but I am taking stepping stones towards that goal... right now my priorities are finding PEACE of mind in life... and truly putting these kids first. 

I have cut a few of people out of my life and some I will keep at a distance. I refuse to allow anyone who chooses to belittle me, verbally abuse me in any way, or cause me pain to have an ounce of me .  their words and thoughts are nothing to me.  I found this prayer in a book that I am obsessed with called "UNGLUED" and I literally  pray this daily:

 God, I’m so tired of being hurt. I’m so tired of feeling distracted and discouraged by this situation Pour Your lavish mercy on my heart and into this hard relationship. Help me to see the obvious hurt they must have in their life that makes them act this way. Help me to have compassion for their pain. Help me to see anything I’m doing or have done that has negatively affected this situation. And please help me to know how to separate myself graciously from this constant source of hurt in my life. It all feels impossible. Oh God, speak to me. Reveal clearly how I can best honor You, even in this.

That Is what I am going to leave you with tonight... have faith, choose happiness, and love with all your heart. NIGHT!

A day in the life- lazy Sunday :)

Hey guys, I saw a few mommy bloggers do "day in the life" post with pictures sink thought I'd go ahead and do one too :) here was our lazy/family Sunday.

7:30am- Ellie woke up for her 6:30am feeding and I finally got her back asleep at 7:30am. I usually have to lay her on my chest and pat her bum and she usually will fall asleep just like this. I soaked up some snuggle time and debated rather I should fall back asleep while both kids were asleep or get up and make me breakfast and drink my coffee and have some alone time.. I chose to eat and drink some coffee ...

 Miss Ellie slept until 10ish and mr. Lee slept until 11.. Yes lee sleeps in on the wknds a lot and he has been having some bad dreams and is up a lot the ought put the night as well :/ don't judge lol  

Here is Ellie before her 10:30am feeding and her big smiles with her full tummy after her feeding

Happy girl..

 I rocked ellie back asleep around 11:30 and I made Landon some breakfast, cleaned bottles and mopped all the floors then sat down with lee and watched a movie.

Ellie had some tummy time when she woke up after her 1pm feeding. She isn't much of a fan of it to say the least.. Brother was there for moral support ;) 

Every Sunday we go to the Burgiss's for Sunday dinner. We have done this for nearly two years now and Landon looks forward to it every Sunday. We decided to grill out and lee got to help poppy start the grill ( he just rolled up balls of newspaper don't worry guys he wasn't near the fire). It was a gorgeous day out so while Ellie napped in her car seat Cynthia, gracyn, Landon, and I all hung out outside in the back yard and played.

Gran has a basket of suckers and everytime we get to the house lee gets one lollipop.. Sometimes two ;) momma had to grab one too.  We grabbed some books and read stories and colored outside while poppy was grilling and gracyn played in her jump play thing.

After dinner Ellie got pretty tired and fussy so while i fed her cynthia got  Landon  ready for bed in his super cute new jammies gran got him, and after about five " five more minutes mom please just five more minutes!!???" from landon we headed home around 9. 

It took my a while to get Ellie to sleep  but she finally fell asleep around11:00 and woke every 4 hours to eat. Landon fought going to bed but he was pretty exhausted and fell asleep around 10 which is pretty late for him but hey we do the best we can.  That is what we call a good night lol . 

I love Sundays and I love these little kiddos more then anything in this whole world. Hope you guys had a great weekend :) 

Surviving

Oh dear God today I feel like I am on the verge of a complete mental breakdown!!! Just so much for one person to handle! I am totally failing at being a mom of two. I just completly suck at life right now and all I want to do is ball up and cry.

Ellie is a handful to say the least. She literally cried pretty much all the time. It takes a good 3-4 hrs to get her to sleep at night and she usually is up evey 4 hrs on a good night. Last night was one of the hell nights that seem to come along every few days. We slept a cumulative f a bout 3 hrs. I was up at 7am driving her around just so I didn't have to listen to crying anymore. This blog is all about being honest, the bad, the ugly, as everything in between so please excuse me is this seems like I'm ungratful because I am not at all. Lets be real if you are a mother who has legit had to raise your child I am sure you have had these moments or days where you literally just want to give up! 

Yes these babies are the best thing in my life and I be lost without them but whew I am worn out and a nervous wreck. I have completly lost who I am. I have nothing in this life that is truly for me anymore which is exactly what parenthood is about and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I would beer complain about being a mother when it was my decisions that led me here but I can't stand that fact that once again I am standing here alone and the weight of the world and well being of these children lays strictly on my shoulders. That to me is not fair and yes I am very angry and resentful. I know there are ppl outthete who don't agree with me and have not heard my side of the story which sucks beause I so badly want to get the truth out but I can't and that is also just eating me alive. At the end of the day the ppl who love my children and I mean truly love and know them they are the ones who matter and they are the ones who truly know us and support us. For that I am so thankful! 

Iv been broken and beat up emotionally these past few months by so many ppl that I truly loved,trusted, and believed in. I never thought my heart could hrt so bad and how much someone could hate me to the point of intentionally hurting me in anyway they could. That is something I need so badly to move on and let go from. I want to let go of the anger and resentment and accept that this is who thy are and it's their loss not mine. I am blessed to be able to be a mother and hold my daughter and son everyday. I am the one they will love and truly bond with. I am the one they will go to for love and support and waking and for that I am beyond grateful!  Today is a challenge as I like to call them but this to shall pass and I will try my best to find the peaceful moments in the midst of the challenges. I am a survivor in more way the. Anyone knows. .

Happy birthday my sweet love!!

HAPPY 4TH BIRTHDAY MY LOVE!!!

What is your favorite color?  Orange

What is your favorite toy? Spiderman toy

What is your Favorite fruit? Grapes & Strawberries

What is your favorite TV show? Ninja's- but mommy says Austin and Ally

What is your favorite movie?  Star wars - mommy says iv never seen it but hey whateve!

What is your favorite animal? Lions

What is your favorite thing to wear? Spiderman or Superman shirt

What is your favorite song? Ninja's - song I made up all by myself and sing all the time!

What is your favorite book to read? Peter Rabbit or anything with ninjas

Who is your Best Friend? Shmee, Gracyn, Momma

What is your favorite Snack?  Banana ice cream with Bananas and Strawberries :)

What is your Favorite drink? Orange juice

What is your favorite breakfast?  peanut butter toast w/ yogurt

What is your favorite Lunch?  chicken or turkey sandwich

What is your favorite game to play? Candy Land- we love playing this game at Sunday dinner at grans.

What is your favorite thing to play outside?  just PLAY!

What is your favorite holiday? Christmas

What do you sleep with at night? Sponge bob pillow and sponge bob blanket. Sometimes Alvin stuffed animal.

What do you want to be when you grow up?  A Firefighter!

** I found this cute idea on Pinterest and decided to ask Lee all of these questions and start asking him every year on his BDay and see how his views and loves change throughout the years as he grows**

35/36 Weeks pregnancy blog

How far along are you? 36 weeks and 1 day.

Total weight gain?  a boat load! 17 lbs!! catching up that's for sure!

Maternity Clothes?  No, I don't need them because I live in sweats and yoga pants :)

Stretch Marks?  yup : /

Sleep?  sleep has been great the past two nights so crossing my fingers and toes that it stays that way... BUT the rest of this week was rough with the heart burn and feeling like im going to throw up... also I have had bad anxiety lately and that has been causing me to not be able to sleep... my heart starts racing and I just get very anxious like something horrible is going to happen.. I think a lot was triggered when I woke up and my mom had collapsed then the morning she woke up not breathing and was in sent to ICU.. it has just been a rough couple months so for someone who has anxiety it deff has gotten worse.

Best Moment of this week?  I have to say having my mom come home from the hospital.... my mom and I have a such a crazy relationship but things have gotten so much better after she went to treatment and since my brother has been gone.  We still fight over dumb shit but we are really working on our issues.. I missed her and was so worried about her so having her home was a relief. We were told that she is very lucky to be alive and that if we would have waited 24 more hours to get her to the hospital she most definitely would have been on life support and wouldn't have lived.

Miss anything?  I mean same stuff.. just want my body back where im not so physically uncomfortable and in pain all the time. I get so worn out and I want to be able to keep up with the house chores.. work and keep up with a very energetic 4 year old but right now my body isn't able to do so.

Food Cravings?  I have not given into this craving but I have been having mad cravings for cupcakes or cake! I keep looking up pinterest recipes but I never end up making any cake.  I am secretly looking forward to eating tons of cake on lees bday this Tuesday!

Gender? Baby Girl! miss Ellie

Any Labor signs?  Lots of Braxton hicks and some sharp shooting pains through my pelvis that are totally not fun and driving me insane! BUT I had my 36 wk check up yesterday (3/7/13) and I am 4cm dilated and 50% effaced so I am assuming these aches and pains are actually doing something and getting my body ready for labor so that's pretty encouraging and makes it all worth it!!

Symptoms?  Same ole preggo symptoms! heartburn, pressure and back pain and hip pain.

Belly button IN or OUT? totally FLAT!

Happy OR Moody?  umm ya know up and down... only so much you can control in life and sometimes these hormones get the best of me.  Just dealing with a lot of anxiety like I said before.. but I know I will get through it I have before.

34 weeks pregnant

How far along are you? 35 weeks tomorrow (2/28/13)

Total weight gain:  15 pounds

Maternity clothes:  No just sweats, jammies, and leggings.

Stretch Marks:  Yup found a new one this wk... oh well ill never have a cute body again but ill have some cute babies instead!

Sleep:  sucks! my hips hurt so damn bad and now its my lower back. I barely can turn over with it struggling. I guess I better get used to no sleep because soon my life will never consist of sleep!

Best moment of this week:  This has been a hell week, but in the midst of it all I got to get an ultra sound of my sweet baby girl who is growing well and actually measured a little big.

Miss anything?  I miss feeling good and not waddling when I walk. I have always had bad hip pain and joint pain...but its gotten way worse with the pregnancy.. hoping to God this pregnancy and the stress doesn't throw my body into RA.  My mom has Rheumatoid arthritis was diagnosed when she was 19 and if I have it, it might not show up until after pregnancy ... so just always in the back of my mind when my joints hurt and my immune system becomes so low and I have been sick non stop for the last 9 months.

Food Cravings? I have been craving junk which I have to stop! I crave Lucky Charms all the time! and one new one which I totally not me is MOUNTAIN DEW!! I haven't drank that crap since high school and I have been craving the crap out of it!

Gender: Girl.

Any Labor signs?  Lots of Braxton hicks and lower menstrual like back pain... and tons of pressure.. but im sure im good .

Symptoms: heart burn is back. just mood swings, a litte depression.... but that's just due to the hormones and just if you truly know me .. its been rough lately.

Belly button IN or OUT?  IN just a little flat still.

Happy or Moody? just been a hard week, my poor momma who has been through hell and back in life is in the ICU fighting pneumonia and sepsis... also they found she had a mild heart attack.... love that little fighter !  also lee has a nasty stomach bug and im praying I don't get it now.. when it rains it pours.

31 weeks pregnant

How far along are you?  31 weeks

Total weight gain:  14 pounds.  Really growing now!

Maternity clothes:  No just sweats, jammies, and leggings.

Stretch Marks:  No, just same old ones from lee.

Sleep:  ohh sleep has been on and off.  The heartburn has gotten a lot better since I am now taking Prevacid so that's awesome!  I now am getting the worst hot flashes and night sweats! I get so so so hot at night and sleep with two fans! Im blaming it on the preggo hormones and the progesterone shots I now get once a week.. I am just loaded up with hormones. The shots hurt super bad after and my hips are very very sore so its hard to get comfortable now as well. so Sleep is rough.

Best moment of this week:  To be honest this has been a rough time.. but the best part about being on bed rest is getting to calm down, take a break and relax and not feel a damn bit of guilt for it.  Which means more quality time with my best friend in the entire world.. my Landon Lee.  We snuggle from the second he walks in the door from school and we do puzzles in his room and he"reads" me stories and watch movies.  It has been nice not working 10 hour days and rushing around like a crazy person when we get home from school/work to get everything done and stick to our week night schedule. 

Miss anything?  not so much that I miss anything but I am pretty emotional and just tired, tired of being sore and uncomfortable, tired of beign sick constantly with sinus problems, tired of not being able to sleep or get comfy or go anywhere or drive a car.. sorry im obviously in a shitty mood today.

Food Cravings: NONE, I literally have to force myself to eat anything these days.

Gender: Girl.

Any Labor signs?  yes, obviously! I am on bed rest due to preterm labor & a short cervix (incompetent cervix).  I still get contractions occasionally but nothing to crazy. I do get bad bad pressure and sharp pains if I stand up for more then 10 minutes so that sucks ass.! I am on Procardia every 4 hours to keep those at bay.  I did try to come off that a little due to it dropping my BP down to 88/50 and I did well for two days without it and then suddenly I had a 3 really big contractions and decided to take my dose again.  Also last night I suddenly had a weird feeling and I was just sitting down and I got dizzy and felt weird.. it didn't go away so I checked my bP and it was 155/91 which is crazy crazy high!! Heart rate was 103.... so I took one of my procardias and thankfully 3 hours later it was down to 96/74 but it did take a while and I felt horrible! it scared me because the last thing I need to pre eclampsia!! I'm praying I don't get another spike like that again but will for sure be calling my Dr if it happens again. I go to appts every Monday now and every Tuesday for my shot so Ill be mentioning it to her as well there.

Symptoms:   Same stuff iv already mentioned.  exhaustion, few headaches are back but I'm thinking that's due to my blood pressure issues.

Belly button IN or OUT?  IN just a little flat still.

Happy or Moody?

 I have become an emotional sad mess some days.  I swear its the Progesterone shots I am getting on top of the pregnancy hormones.  Progesterone is a pretty shitty hormone and makes people crazy lol  I am just overwhelmed with trying to figure out how I can support my kids and myself when I cant work now and wont for months to come and its all on me to provide whatever sh needs... Yes I am having a baby shower so Thank God for that! but there will still be things I need to buy, and I have NO income. so that stresses me out a lot.  but It all has to work out some way some how right?   just feeling really alone lately and I hate that feeling. I feel like I didn't make this baby by myself but yet I'm the only one having take responsibility and having consequences for my bad choices. sounds blunt but I couldn't care less what anyone else thinks especially if you have NO clue what your talking about or anything about my personal situation.  see there are those HORMONES haha! anyways ya so that's it for this little update... make sure you follow my blog its on the left hand side!

29 weeks preggo and on bed rest for a while

hey guys, well I will be 30 weeks tomorrow (01/24/2013).  The beginning of 29 weeks started out a little rough for sure.  On Friday the 18th I was at work and just didn't feel right.  I kept having to run and pee and felt a lot of pressure.  I let it go on for a while then I started to get contractions and they were getting pretty uncomfortable.  I finally decided to call my dr and she told me to just go ahead and go to labor & deliver triage and get checked out to be safe.  Once I got to triage I was contracting pretty much every 2 minutes and was dialted 2cm and 50%.  They then decided to do an untrasound (a biophysical profile) and to measure my actual cervical length. Now this is where this main issue is, my cervical length NOT the dialating because lets be real here many women begin to dialate early and walk around like that and don't even know it. But when your cervix is to short or begins to shorten to early during the pregnancy then you have to be super careful and gravity becomes your enemy.  I am fortunate now that its happening now and not earlier in the pregnancy. Many women lose babies in the second trimester from this (an incompetent cervix) and cant ever carry full term.  For me having the contractions (pre term labor) is just another risk factor that isn't helping the situation.  If my cervix gets to short ill be admitted again on bed rest until 36 weeks.  As of now I am home with my sweet little boy and My dad has been taking him to and from school for me since I am unable to drive.  That is a nice help. I am still taking my Procardia which is a Blood Pressure med but is used for preterm labor because it helps relax the uterus and calm down contractions.  This med sucks and lowers my BP super low so im feeling like crap and super tired.  I also will be getting progesterone shots once a week now until 36 wks, as if im not already a hormonal emotional mess lets just throw some more in there lol!! I also have received two steroid rounds which help her develop her lungs a little faster JUST in CASE miss ellie cant hang in there until 36 wks and decided to come early.  Right now im taking it one day at a time and doctors have my goal week as 32 weeks right now.  The longer she stays in the healthier she will be.  So that's basically the facts and update for now. I am feeling so blessed to be home in my own bed and with my sweet boy and as of now my sweet girl is as healthy as can be and has a load of hair ; ) 

28 weeks & 4 days preggo!

How far along are you?   28 weeks & 4 days :)

Total weight gain?  7lbs... just had my 28 week apt today and looks like I gained 2 more pounds since my last appt. I am super happy about that, and my tummy is measuring great so that hopefully means miss Ellie Belly is growing well too.

Maternity Clothes?  No, I basically still live in scrubs for work and sweat pants.  I did buy some new jeggings from American Eagle the other day because they were on sale and I just use my Bella Band when I wear those and leave the top unbuttoned.

Stretch Marks?  No new ones just the same one I have had from Landon on my hips...uck

Sleep?  Sleep actually has been great! NO heartburn at all this week, gosh I hope I'm not jinxing myself.  I have been having some crazy crazy dreams though.  I also am way more exhausted then I usually am and by the time I get home from work and get Landon his dinner made and tubby time and Jammie's on, I am just physically done for.

Best moment this week?  This week has been somewhat uneventful, I had a rough week at work it was insane!  I have to say the best moment was being able to get some things organized and clean out Landon's closet and my closet.  I made Landon a big toy closet and he I super excited about it.  Oh lordy lou I am one boring person if organizing was the highlight of my life this week.....

Miss anything?  hmmmm I miss being able to have  a glass of wine here and there that's for sure...and I have been craving sushi sooo bad lately. Once again I miss being able to bend down and walk for more then 10 minutes and not feel like this baby is coming out lol

Food Cravings?  still craving those iced coffees! oh and smoothies... I have stocked up on smoothie making ingredients and look forward to my morning smoothie everyday :)

Anything Making you Queasy?  Nope not really.

Gender?  GirL

Any Labor Signs?  Nope not yet. She still has a while to cook.  I do get Braxton hicks occasionally but nothing that I would be concerned about.

Symptoms?  Just very easily fatigued and the breathlessness has gotten so much worse but I'm assuming it will be like this until she gets here. 

Belly button IN or OUT?  Flat

Happy OR Moody?  Honestly I am feeling good, , I hate my job and would love to get a good LPN job but each day I'm working on thinking positive and I know God has a plan and I just need to trust him right now. But lets be real here I am a single momma to a 3 year old who is 7 months preggo and working 10 hr days in a daycare center with screaming babies all day for minimum wage....sooooo  I mean I do get tired and sore when I get home from work, so my patience wear thin but that's normal when your body is changing so much from week to week and you are growing a human being inside of you lol.  But all in all I'm happy girl and loving every precious moment I get with my sweet Landon just me and him time and I am grateful for this job because Lord knows its better then nothing.

Looking forward to?  I'm looking forward to getting another ultra sound in the next few weeks, I just want to see my sweet girl and know she is growing and healthy :)

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27 Weeks Preggo!

How far along? 

 

27 weeks

 

Total weight gain:

5lbs, yes I know not good.. but I have been very sick from day one.... up until 16 wks I couldn't take a bite of food with out getting sick... then around 22 weeks I had a horrible nasty respiratory virus that kicked my ass then two weeks later I had a nasty stomach bug that lasted a good 3 days before I could eat again. I ended up spending Christmas in the hospital on IV fluids, and IV phenergran as well as having contractions :( hoping to get my weight back up and healthy again.

Maternity clothes?

I basically live in leggings and sweats these days! comfy all the way!

Stretch marks?

I can see a few popping up... I still have the ones on my hips from when I had lee, I seem to grow in my hips.

Sleep:

some nights are better then others. Heartburn creeps its ugly head a lot lately and makes me throw up in the middle of the night and I end up sitting up in bed for hour chomping away on TuMs and watching reading blogs :/  Woke up with my first pregnancy Charlie horse in my leg yesterday whew boy I didn't miss those!!

Best moment this week:

I bought a few baby buys on clearance at target the other day with my aunt. Spent $20 and got like ten outfits for my girl! love targets clearance :)
 
Miss Anything?

 I miss breathing normal and being able to pick my little man up :(

Movement:

still lots of movement.. but I did have a two day period where she scared me a little and wasn't moving barely at all... that's how my preterm labor began with landon lee and it made me a little nervous. She is back to kicking up a storm!

Food cravings:

 Ice Coffee and anything with Cheese.

Anything making you queasy or sick:

eggs... uck!
Gender:

Girl
Labor Signs:

Nope

Symptoms:

lots of pressure at times if I am up walking for long periods or time and just a lot of breathlessness still and having to rest a lot when doing pretty much anything these days.

Belly Button in or out?

IN but starting to get flat.

 Happy or Moody most of the time:

I have my Good days and bad days but I feel like a lot is just due to exhaustion and trying to keep up with landon and working 10 hour days and beating this viruses I have had. I lost my granny this week too and its been a heartbreaking experience for me... so Id say its been somewhat a roller coaster week of emotions but I am hanging in there and still grateful for so much and trying to remain positive about the future. Enjoying every moment.

Looking forward to:

Meeting my sweet baby girl, and just moving forward and healing my soul.

FOlLOw my Blog for weekly updates :)