Surrender

its been awhile since I have been able to blog... I sure need it today.  Yesterday I heard the news of the shootings in Connecticut.  All I wanted to do was leave work and go pick up my sweet baby boy and hold him in my arms.  Just the thought of losing him and living one day without him is unimaginable to me and literally brings me to tears.  This was just another reminder of how precious life is and how I refuse to allow any type of petty negative drama take away from the life of myself and my precious kids.  I am so blessed to have the opportunity to be a mother and I will never take that for granted not for one second.

One thing I would like to discuss is depression and anxiety... That gunman had to have gone through something to make him feel as if his actions were justified in some unimaginable way.  I wish so badly he would have reached out in someway to get help.  This world is a messed up crazy out of control life... but for anyone who has suffered with depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts,  or addiction PLEASE know that I know how serious this is and I have walked that path and still struggle daily with these obstacles.  BUT there is HELP and there is HOPE... YOU are in control of your life to a certain extent.  There are people who care and want to help.  So many people get to a point of desperate loneliness and sadness that they just cant climb out of alone. I have been there I know how that feels and it is a gut wrenching overwhelming feeling of pure hopelessness. If you know of anyone who is struggling with this.. be kind, be understanding, and just love and support as much as you can even if you cant possibly find the compassion to understand it just try please.  Your kindness and support could save lives!

This is why  I am slowly thinking of changing my career path and and specializing in addiction as well as family/crisis counseling.  I have walked in places that so many people have no clue about (although it will all be a TV soon lol)  I want to share my story as well as help others grow stronger because of the struggles they face and not let them break them down.  Although I will say it is perfectly ok and healthy to let yourself feel that anger and pain, but don't let it break you, turn it into something positive, let it teach you and motivate you.  It is a lot easier said then done this I know. 

My prayers and Thoughts are with those families who's lives were turned upside down yesterday.

Update

One of my favorite things to do at night is curl up with a nice book and escape OR jump online and read some of the blogs I have followed for years now.  I follow a lot of "mom" blogs as well as beauty or blogs of single moms who share their struggles of day to day life.  I love it because you get a glimpse into other peoples lives and get to learn from these people as well as share your own stories as well. I will link a few that are my faves and are some bigger blogs which means they have over thousands of followers.
  I know this blog has become super personal and almost like my diary in a way BUT to me I feel like a lot of people can relate and sometimes it is nice to feel like you have support and understanding.  I have learned so many lessons lately that I just love sharing in hopes of touching one persons life and helping them in some way.  So if you aren't into the personal aspect of blogs or really into getting to know me as a person then go ahead and ex out now because there will be no judging here :))

So much has been going on so be prepared to skim through this or sit and read an update/vent on how life has been treating Landon and I.  I lost count at how long we have been home from Florida but  I wanna say it has been about a month now.  Settling in back home has been difficult but so smooth as well.  according to a certain someone I didn't give up anything to move to Florida but in reality I gave up a great job that I had here in KY and a decent apartment that I could afford and hey it wasn't perfect or the nicest place ever but it was Landon and Is and I was proud of it.  So coming home and trying to get back on my feet and moving back home with my parents after 3 years was and still is hard to adjust to. Don't get me wrong I am beyond thankful for my parents taking Landon and I in.  My first priority on my list when I got home was to get Landon lee into preschool.  At this point he had been through so much due to the fighting and unstable short life we had in Florida.  School was just what my baby boy needed to start getting into a routine and having structure in his life.  To pay for preschool I had to find a job fast.  As parent I would work anywhere for any amount of money to provide for my child so I took the first job that became available after looking and applying at other positions.  I now am working at a tanning bed and have been able to start Landon into the preschool that I had always wanted him to go to because that is where his Gran taught at and he was familiar with the school and the teachers knew him.  He has NO problem from day one and has been excited everyday for school.  He only goes 4 days a week for 3 hours in the morning so I take and pick him up and around 3 when my dad gets off work I had to work and work until around 10-1030.  This has been working out well and I am slowly but surely saving my pennies and studying my butt off for my LPN (licensed practical nurse) boards so I can hopefully use my degree and find a decent nursing job.  My goal was to head back to school to finish my RN by October but life throws us some curve balls and right now that just is not in the cards for me. 

Emotionally I have been trying hard to stay positive and be patient.  I am not anywhere near where I want to be in life but I keep telling myself baby steps Katherine, baby steps.  I am going through a break up that I never saw coming.  I feel so hurt, betrayed, and completely let down.  It is so hard to understand how we think we know someone and then they turn around and prove you wrong in so many ways.  I think some people have a hard time understanding that words hurt so bad and I have been working on myself and being the best person I can be.  I cant be with  someone who does nothing but tear me down and who repeatedly brings out the worst in me.  I have proved many times I can stand on my own and I don't need a guy in my life and I am more than happy to let that chapter in my life go.  I will not settle ever in life.  I will forgive because I want to let go of the hurt and anger that I have inside of me because the only person that I'm hurting is myself.  So for anyone else which I know some of my dear friends are going through the same similar struggles I am enduring now, just remember that God has a plan for all of us, be sure to always be able to stand on your own and stand up for what YOU believe in. don't ever sacrifice or settle.  Your heart and your happiness has to be important too and don't ever let anyone take that away from you EVER!

Self control and self worth

Whew so today has been a rough one! I always seem to be in a blogging mood Wheb I need to vent or explore my feelings in a way. So I am still reading that book I blogged about called "unglued" and boy has it helped me in more way then I ever could have imagined!! I have learned a big lesson this week and that is: I can't control the words or actions people say to me but I can control my reactions towards them. I will give you a couple of raw and honest examples that have happened recently in my life where I have had to dig deep into my heart and pray like crazy for strength to control my reactions. First I got into a serious discussion with someone that i dearly loved and the discussion went into a direction that the other person just could not possibly agree with or understand and when pressuring them to pray to God for guidance and to please do the right thing for their family they got upset to a point where nasty disgraceful words were said to me. Words such as "you are a lazy ass who sits on her ass all day watching tv" "you are nothing you live at home with mommy and daddy!" "I regret ever knowing you!" as listened to these heart breaking words being said to me by someone I once loved and trusted literally took my breath away. I was lost for words and had to literally ball up and cry while my momma just held me telling me I'm loved and it will be ok. The shock wore off and I felt this nasty rage inside me boiling up! I wanted to cry,scream, and hit or do whatever I could to hurt this person for hurting me. But I sat down I prayed like crazy to God askin him please give me strength and love in my heart to let this go and to not sink down to thAt disgraceful level. I took a deep create looked at my precious little boy and and remembered how I would want him to handle a situation as I was in and I wrote back to this person tellin then how hurt abd angry I was and how my heart was shattered by the words they chose I say to me, but tat I would pray for them to find peace with God and their actions and that no matter how hurt I was I would not come back with hurtful words. I'm still devastated but feel good knowing I am not the obe sitting here with regret and guilt in my heart. We can't control others all we can do, but we can control how we respond. Im working on this every single day of my life. I want to be a good person who loves and is loyal and selfless. I refuse to surround myself with abyone who speaks to me like that.

Everyday we run into rude nasty ppl, people who dobt say thank you When you hold the door for them, or people who cut you off on the highway, but at the end of the day everyone is fighting some sort of battle. Just kill them with kindness and be very gentle with your words.. Words can kill, your words could be that last straw for someone or your love abd kindness or a simple how are you, I'm thinking of you could possibly be that one uplifting moment they needed! :)

I encourage everyone struggling with heartbreak, anger, or anxiety to please read the book "unglued" it will honestly change your life and the way you deal and cope everyday

BRoKen heart Card- exactly how I feel

here we go again try to sway my friends' opinion you're so good at the game of pretend but you'll never win so go ahead & blame it on me try to make em believe the victim you are go ahead cry like a baby make me look crazy play the broken heart card oh oh they won't believe a word you say oh oh they all know what you did to me so baby you can throw away your broken heart card slip on your mask study your hand put on your pokerface & draw them in & baby don't forget to lose the grin so go ahead & blame it on me try to make em believe the victim you are go ahead cry like a baby make me look crazy play the broken heart card oh oh they won't believe a word you say oh oh they all know what you did to me so baby you can throw away your broken heart card you're the king of charades & you wrote the book on fake & you'll never getaway this time no no no you made the ultimate mistake when you walked out on me that day don't you see it wasn't me you chose your fate but of course you blame it on me try to make em believe the victim you are there you are crying like a baby makin me look crazy with your broken heart card oh oh I won't believe a word you say I DEAL WITH THE PAIN EVERY SINGLE DAY SO BABY PLEASE JUST THROW AWAY that stupid broken heart card that stupid broken heart card...

the book UNGLUED

So i came across a blog that was written by a beautiful mother with an amazing  home a loving husband and a strong Christian faith with two beautiful healthy little girls. Yet she wrote a raw and honest blog entry about how she feels so out of control some days and how she has lashed out and lost her temper on her children and husband.  She speaks of disappointment in herself for losing that control.  I honestly can relate to this so much!  Not only with Landon but with many people in my life I have lost my temper and control.  I am a very strong willed, control freak person who needs structure and organization in my life.  But when you have a child or two that structure is thrown out the window pretty fast and your patience and strength is tested every single day. The whining, the temper tantrums, the messes, the endless amounts of laundry, the financial stresses, the losing yourself all of these factors feed into my day where I just BREAK or become UNGLUED.  Going through these day to day struggles I have learned that very few people understand and are capable of having compassion and will be very quick to judge a mother for getting upset or losing patients.  The blog I read offered a book by a Christian writer called "UNGLUED".  She stated that this book has really helped her cope and not lash out at loved ones.  I have already started reading the book and can relate to every single word written so far.  A few excerpts that hit straight home for me are as follows:

"I have to figure this out.  What is my problem? Why cant i seem to control my reactions? I stuff. I explode. And I don't know how to get a handle on this, but God help me if I don't get a handle on this I will destroy the relationships I value the most...."

" I know what its like to praise God one minute and in the next scream and yell at my child- and then feel both the burden of my destructive behavior and the shame of my powerlessness to stop it."


I can totally relate to that feeling... I am sure we all can relate to being on the other end of the spectrum as well. Being yelled at or feeling that horrible gut wrenching feeling of disrespect and hurt makes me want to hurt that person even more than they hurt me.  This book teaches us women how to manage the hormones and emotions.  How to  "Respond with no regrets by managing your tendencies to stuff, explode, or react somewhere in between. Gain a deep sense of calm by responding to situations out of your control without acting out of control".  I know these are lessons I need and I am sure I am not standing here alone.  I also need to learn how to deal with the difficult people in my life that continue to let me down, or that I just cant see eye to eye with.  I think this book will be great strength and hope for me... I just wanted to share it with you guys and if anyone else chooses to read it I would love to hear your thoughts!

the new me i hope to be

  I really have been trying so hard to work on myself as a person and really dig deep to find who I am. I am sure we all have things we would like to change about ourselves right?  I think the most beautiful people in this world are those who have learned heartache, compassion and understanding for others.  These are all things that I like to believe the struggles I have gone through have instilled in me.  BUT I also have some major flaws that I want to fix and work on.  I also think it takes a very mature and strong person to be able to truly self reflect and realize their flaws and attemp to change them which is why I am on this journey of healing and becoming the mom and person I would like to be.  I have sat down and made a list of the things I would like to work on:

                                                 * when I am hurt I lash out and say things I truly dont mean but I am just hurt and angry (which I am sure we all have done or do) but for me this seems to get me in a lot of trouble and hurt people I love.  I would like to learn how to express that I am hurting in a healthier way.
                                                  * LeT GO!- I want to let go of the past and really move on.

                                                  * DONT JUDGE-  If you truly know me you know I have a very strong faith, I dont go to church every sunday but I do have a very loving and strong relationship with the Lord that honestly means so much to me.  With that said I would like to be someone who tries to not cast judgment onto others and to be kind as I can be and always have love in my heart.

                                                 * Love and Be happy- being happy, sounds so easy right? for some peopel it can be a daily battle.  at the end of the day I want to cherish the people who truly love me and are REAL genuine Friends and or family and wash my hands of the fake, judgmental, only there when they feel like it people. 

These are the main things that I  am working on through this journey of self reflection. 

Something I read today

"you need to put more faith and trust and hope in Me than you do in them. They are people, and they will fail you. Even when you try to have low expectations, people won't always meet them. I will never, ever fail or disappoint you."

Follow YOUR heart

I have debated writing this blog for a few days now, but I sure need it right now. I have been feeling so misunderstood and lost. I have more or less begun to hate myself for the choices I have made in this life. My heart is always in the right place and I think and over analyze everything I do in life but it seems like I keep making one bad decision after the other. Florida seemed great in hindsight. For myself and many people looking in from the outside Florida seemed like the right move for Landon and I, it would be a new beginning, fresh start right? Well if you truly know ME as a person and what is important to me you would know that change is a hard thing for me to handle. Even as a little girl growing up I couldn't even have sleep overs because I hated being away from home. I have NEVER lived away from Louisville, or even moved houses (except of course living on my own for the last 3 years). I always have had a "home" and yes that home might have gotten crazy at times do to other issues my family has been dealt but at the end of the day family is family, and you cant give up on people who are sick and you cant run away from your problems. I think in a way if I really sit down and think about it I never truly deep down in my heart and soul wanted to move Landon and I over 1000 miles away from any ounce of home or family and people who TRULY love us and would do anything in the world for us. If you know Landon and I you know we have had a rough road but we have had some special people by our sides the whole time and to take Landon away from that killed me. I could see how unhappy Landon was every single day we were gone, how he had a void in his heart that I just couldn't fill. It really hit me that not only did I just walk away from everyone we love and the small support that I had, but I took that away from Landon. The thought of only seeing these people who mean the world to us and have been by our sides from day one twice a year or less killed me and became so scary for me. It is so easy to say "oh ill fly home every chance I get" and it is easy for people to say they will come visit but when it comes down to it life gets in the way and financial issues get int he way and it becomes seeing your family twice a year and losing the bond and connection. I couldn't stand that thought. I was miserable from day one and felt so alone and our of my element that I literally could not take it anymore. I realized I am just not the type of person to be able to move my whole life so far away. That is just who I am as a person and I understand that it is very hard for some people to understand and relate to that, and that is ok I have to accept that. No matter what I do in life I will be judged for it, I am the one who has to live it so I will always do what in my heart feels right. I have gotten some mean things said to me like "you gave up" "you didn't give it a chance" well that's ok that people feel that way, they clearly don't know me and understand where I am coming from. I have learned to accept the fact that I will never be good enough for some people and that is ok with me. I tried and I honest to God thought I was doing what was best for Landon and I, I had the best intentions to make it work but I just could not and in my heart of hearts did not think I would ever be ok with it. Along with the many people who are against me I have had so many loving, kind, true friends and family by my side who have given me nothing but love and support. I had a great friend (actually a few) say to me that they are proud of me for even thinking of making such a sacrifice and doing what I did and that they never ever expected something like that out of me. Those are the people that I will cherish everyday and be grateful for!

I am content with my decision and have not looked back once. My precious little boy has been so happy and excited to be home again. His behavior is better and you can truly see the light in his beautiful eyes again. My mom and I are working on our relationship and are doing well. I have found a job and plan to head back to school in October! Things are looking up for lee and I, yes we have a long hard road ahead of us but I will NEVER give up on our future and I will always him first. I will always pray for those who hate and those who judge, and I will pray for understanding in myself to understand and have patience with those people who cant relate because they have not walked to same path I have.

Family time

Hope everyone had an amazing wknd! Landon and I spent the wknd at my best friends baby shower and then joined the rest of my family on my aunts farm for my uncle bruces 20 year post kidney transplant party! Landon had a blast! below is a little video i took through out the day!

  

Our BIG move !

     of course I am up at 2am writing  a blog :/ I have had some serious sleeping issues lately.  When I can finally fall asleep I end up waking up from crazy weird dreams and then it takes me forever to get back to sleep again.  I basically just cant seem to shut my mind off these days.  As I'm sure everyone by now knows, Landon and I have finally decided to take  a leap of faith and move our life to Florida!!!  This decision has been weighing on my mind for months now.  I went back and forth through every reason why not to move and then every reason why we should move over and over and over and over.  As a mother this was a very difficult decision for me to make because not only am i changing my life, I am changing Landon's as well.  I am not someone that handles change well at all... many of my close friends always joke about how I never leave my "bubble" which I cant argue with that one.  I love my comfort zone and due to having panic attacks and severe anxiety it is very very hard for me to break out of the safe feeling or comfort zone to embark on something new.  Going through this whole process of deciding what Landon and I should do and what would be best for us right now as well as our future I have learned so much already about myself.  I have learned that you never really find yourself until you leave your comfort zone.   I am very excited for our future with an amazing man who I am so in love with and I grow to love more and more every single day of my life, I am excited for Landon to now have the chance to go to school and meet new friends, i am more than excited to be able to go back to school and hopefully i can meet new a great people as well.  

     Tonight  at Sunday dinner I got a little emotional thinking that Landon and I wont have this anymore... that little bit of family that we have through the Burgiss's is so comforting and something I never had growing up, the family sit down dinners and us girls on the couch watching our Sunday night TV shows.  I am so going to miss it!!  Don't get me wrong, Jesse has an amazing family in Florida, and I am just hoping that people will grow to love Landon as much as we all do here and that he will gain more relationships with some amazing people.  At the end of the day all I want is for my little boy to be happy, I want him to always always feel loved and feel safe. 

    Even though right now I  am a ball of emotions I am still excited for what the future holds and will go into this with a positive attitude.  I know that it will be a huge adjustment for all of us and there will be a few months of being homesick and anxious but I'm praying that I can work through all of that and stay strong for Landon and Jesse.  I want us to all be together and I want us to work, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen and I know Jess is too.  Landon is so excited he talks about it everyday!  I plan on keeping Landon on a very strict schedule when we get there and start him in his new school part time until i start school.  I want to give him time to get used to going to school again as well as ease me into it because I'm sure going to miss my boy all day :(  I also have decided I want to keep a video diary or VLOG as well as keep up with this daily or as much as possible.  I think that would be a fun way to keep everyone at home who is interested in staying in touch with us and watching us grow as a family.  You will be able to see Landon grow, learn and adapt as well as an insight into our little world, the bad and the good.  This is huge journey we are about to embark on as well as a fresh new start that I would love to share with everyone we love!
XO,
Katherine

Real life

I have been craving a blog lately! So much has been goin on. Seems like in my life I always seem to run into a point in time where I honestly feel like my whole world has come crashing down.. Now that may sound pretty dramatic to normal people but you have to know the kind of person I am and the hell I have gone through. Even more so as a mother I want to have everything in order, make the perfect grads, keep a clean and well organized home, have the best behaving child, I want control and perfection. A lot of this comes from my OCD which Is a real mental illness that consumes me at times. Now in reality that is far from what my life is.

I keep seeing so many young girls having children and the mothers parents end up raising the child. Now I am NOoNE to judge but I find myself having jealousy in my heart. For me life as a single mother has been one of the biggest struggles I have ever gone through in my life! From day one my life changed to staying up all night, changing diapers, loads of laundry daily, being a full time nursing student at night and a full time mom during the day, worrying about how your going to get through school, work, and find child care when your options are down to maybe two people In your life, and doing his all completely alone without that partner, the one person that should have been there. It's hard as he'll! I had someone ask me the other day "does it ever get easier" I said "hell no!" things change and your children grow but it never gets easy your challenges just change as they grow. Do you know how much full-time daycare is ? $660.00 a month! $800 for a child until they are one! How do people do it??? This is one of the issues I'm running into now. I want to go back to school full-time at Galen but Galen is an accelerated program abd is in quarters. The schedule for RN students is intense and 16-20 credit hours a quarter. I would be finished in 15 months if I can find a way to get child care and still be able to go to
School and pay rent, bills, and daycare. The childcare assistance program doesn't support anyone going to school, you have to work 20-40 hour per week. If you work 20 they will pay max 70/wk so it doesn't help much when you go to school all day and need full time daycare and they expect you to work on top of all that it's just not even worth working! For me I don't have AnYONE to watch lee anymore. I couldn't work wknds and I cabt work nights so it is so crappy that someone like me Trying to better their life cant go to get some help with child care. Not only does school consist of going ti class it consists of hours upon hours of studying and work outside of class as well! Anyways I have been feelin loads of guilt lately! Feel like I am failing as a mother, I can't even finish schoool and provide for my son they way I want to! He deserves so much more!

When I chose to keep lee I thought I knew somewhat of what I was getting into, but boy was I wrong!! For me in my situation which I understand everyone is different, I sure as he'll was not ready to have a child! I'm so thankful for my boy he is my heart, my soul, my everything! But I wish I could have had my life together so he wouldbt have to suffer and struggle right along side me! But I promises him I'm going to get myself back in school no matter what it takes.. He will have the life I want for him!
So I'll leave it with this.. If you are one of the mothers, single or not.. Be thankful, be thankful if you don't hae to pay for child care, and you have a mom or someone who can be tree right a long side you and help you raise your child while you get life in order for you abd your child. My mom has never even been able to hold Landon. I know now that I have lost the little support thT I had from the two people in my life, I'm still thankful! Thankful for the amazing man who came into Landons and my life and has been nothing but a blessing to us, thankful to have a roof over out heads because lord know we cant live with my parents! Abd I'm thankful for my healthy, crazy wild, out of control, sweet, loving son!

wow! what a difference several months can make.  I never ever saw my life taking the turn that is has recently.  Lets just say I truly BELIEVE in "everything happens for a reason".  I have finally found someone who is everything that I have prayed and prayed for.  Jesse came into my life when I needed him the most... he was surely the last person that I would have every expected but I am so happy and thankful that God had our paths cross the way they have.. I even think maybe that a very special person had a hand in it as well : ).  I came into Jesse's life at the worst time for him,  in some way looking back I think we both needed each other.  At the time Jesse had just lost the love of his life, his wife who he fought right along side with for years, his heart was completely shattered.  Neither one of us were looking for a relationship at all, that was never our intentions in the beginning.  The guilt I felt for months was sickening... I felt like I was stealing someones husband in a way... even though Sara isn't here it made my heart hurt so bad every time I would think of her.  Than a very good friend Addie who was Sara's cyster and BF told me to one night to "just go and pray about it, pray to Sara".  It was something so simple that I hadn't even thought of doing.  That night I prayed like crazy to her, praying that she was ok, that she was happy and not hurting, and that I hoped so badly she was ok with this, and now to this day I thank Sara everyday for sharing Jesse with me.  Because of Sara's beautiful heart and love for life,  I now have been blessed with such and amazing man, and I owe all of that to her.  Its because of Sara that Jesse is such a strong, full of life, positive, selfless person.  I am beyond THANKFUL. If there was one thing I could say to Sara today it would be.... THANK YOU :) and that I truly think of her every single day and have so much respect for her.  Sara has touched my life and heart in more ways than most people could even imagine, and i didn't even know her but it has been amazing getting to know such a beautiful person through Jesse, I feel honored and blessed everyday.

Landon and I are in Florida for a month, the whole reason behind this trip was to take a break from school and the chaos and family drama I have at home to really focus on my son and building a relationship with Jesse.  I'm realizing what is really important in life, and that my family.  For so long I have lived to be perfect, and make sure everyone saw how great i was doing and how i could keep it all together, when in reality I was miserable and not living at all, I was just getting through the everyday motions of life and not truly living it.  Now I am taking chances and following my heart.  This trip has showed me how well Landon can adapt, and how well Jesse is with Landon.  Jesse needed to see what it was like 24 hours and day with a 2 year and he sure has had a nice reality check but has handled it better than I have.  His patience with Landon is amazing, he has been actually teaching me a little something about parenting : ) It has been really nice experiencing what its like with a partner in all this.. let me tell you it is a whole new world when you have someone to help you and walk through the struggles with you. 

I truly Love it down here... even though this week i was a little homesick but Jess was working so much Landon lee and I were at home all by ourselves all day.. I ventured out a few times but I don't really know my way around here and with my anxiety it gets me a little crazy lol. I think it would be so much better if i had my own place down here... to make it our own and to baby proof it.  I would love to live here.. but i don't want to hurt anyone. I know that the Burgiss's would be heart broken and so would my dad.  So that is the one thing holding me back from committing to moving.  I also wouldn't have any support if I needed a babysitter or if Jesse and I wanted to have a date night. I want Landon surrounded by people who love him, so I don't want to take that away from him either.  His happiness must come before mine no matter what.  I feel like I am at a crossroads right now. We have big decisions to make but like my dad said we can always come home if we need to.

" Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you will be criticized anyways" - Eleanor Roosevelt