Thursday, April 21, 2011

unexpected VENT

Hey Guys, so i have clearly been slacking on this whole blogging thing. I dont really know what to talk about anymore, i feel like if i sat here blabbed about my life you would get pretty bored. But if anyone does care ill give ya  a little update on Landon and I.

Monday April 11th was my LAST day of  LPN school !!! It has been  a LONG 21 months... but I made it and made NOTHING less then a B in a class so i have to say i am some what proud of myself, even though there are people in this world that are haters and think that i did it by sitting on my ass everyday. Anyways, this blog might end up turning into a little vent so i will go ahead and apologize now! Moving on.... I had a game plan from day one when I started nursing school when Landon was 4 months old... my plan was to stay home full time with him and get through the LPN program by going at night which meant my schedule would be 5pm-11pm Mon-Thur. At the time when I started I had noway of paying for child care, and my dad worked during the day, mom is unable to physically take care of  Landon due to her RA & everyone else worked during the day so Day school was out of the question for me.I lasted about a year until i realized staying home (as much as people like to think "stay at home moms" dont do shit and they just sit on there ass's all day that is far from the truth)with Landon and studying, homework, study groups, cooking, cleaning, laundry, it became harder and harder to joggle so I decided it was time to put him in daycare for 2-3 days a week for 4-5 hrs tops to allow me time to get things done and maybe even a little "me" time.  After I was to graduate from the LPN program I was planning on going straight into the RN day program which is 15 months and it is Mon-Thurs 8am-4pm. Well I made a stupid decision and decided to change the game plan a little, by the end of my last quarter i became super burnt out and lost faith in myself by believing I wouldnt be able to joggle that much school, no full time child care for landon without adding a huge extra expense that i just cannot in anyway afford, and taking even more time away from him, and was always stressed out, have been fighting anxiety and depression AGIAN. I felt like going to a less expensive community college to get my pre reqs online would be the best decision for me, i felt like i needed somewhat of a break but still stay in school, & best of all spend my summer with my fun little 2 yr old. Well turns out I didnt exactly think it through, I am someone who lives off my finacial aide reimbursments school is basically my job (not that my finances are anyone business or concern) but it is crucial for me to stay in school. I didnt realize how the finacial aide worked with online classes, I would have to pay out of pocket for every single class and have to take a minimun of 12 credit ours to even get my full financial aide. There for I wont be able to go the the school I was planning on going to and have worked it out where I can start back at my old school in July, But thats a whole qaurter I am wasting... so I think what I am going to do is find a little job like a tanning bed or something because I cant take my LPN boards until June ( if i wait until June I wont have to do my 120 hrs) and so I want something just for the summer to get me through and I will work 40 hrs a week and take two pre reqs online through the community college IF i can come up with that money to pay for them, that way I still feel like I am being productive and not putting my life on "hold" and still working towards my main goal in life which is becoming a nurse. ugh This is all so stressful I really just feel so alone and feel so much pressure, like everything is on ME to provide for my son and myself , and i dont even know how in the world i am going to make it right now. On top of all this shit,  I have some personal drama going on and I am so flippin sick and tired of cold hearted inconsiderate people thinking that they can control my life,, and they can judge me when they dont even KNOW ME anymore!! Listen people, until you actually walk in someone elses shoes, you have NO clue how they feel or what they go through every single day or what they have been through!! stop JUDGING , open up your heart and have EMPATHY for people, I am NOT saying  have "pity" but or "sympathy".

I am at a point in my life where I have been trying so hard NOT to depend on ANYONE which I DONT, I have my dad who helps me so much! and I love him and am very appreciative of everything he does for Lanodn and I , and if anyone has steped up as a "father" figure in my sons life it would be my dad. But I don NOT in anyway take advantage of that or take it for granted. AND if it wasnt for The burgiss's who aare amazing good hearted people who truly love landon as if he was there own, I would have NEVER been able to go to school and I know that and am very thankful for them.  BUT you will NEVER see me calling them or anyone to babysit my son while i go out or try to have any part of a social life, yes my dad offers all that time and turn it down constantly. so I am so sick and tired of people judging me and telling what i need to do and not do, well you know what I am doing the best I can and you can take one look at my son a see that he is being raised with morals, and unconditional LOVE, that is ALL i can ask for.  Today I have decided I am ok with cutting negative people who do nothing but hurt me and bring me down out of my life for good, I have stood on my own for so long and i am taking control of my own happiness, I refuse to allow ANYONE to control that!.  So sorry this has turned into a horrible mean vent but i just dont care anymore, I care way to much what eveyrone thinnks about me and i hold so much in because i HATE conflict, I am a walking mat, BUT NOMORE i am DONE! NOONE will talk down to me, or make me feel bad, they will be cut from my life and my sons. I dont care family or not i will not allow it.
OK i am dont  now .... I will have happier blogs up soon i promise .....

                                                           Katherine xoxo

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