wow! what a difference several months can make. I never ever saw my life taking the turn that is has recently. Lets just say I truly BELIEVE in "everything happens for a reason". I have finally found someone who is everything that I have prayed and prayed for. Jesse came into my life when I needed him the most... he was surely the last person that I would have every expected but I am so happy and thankful that God had our paths cross the way they have.. I even think maybe that a very special person had a hand in it as well : ). I came into Jesse's life at the worst time for him, in some way looking back I think we both needed each other. At the time Jesse had just lost the love of his life, his wife who he fought right along side with for years, his heart was completely shattered. Neither one of us were looking for a relationship at all, that was never our intentions in the beginning. The guilt I felt for months was sickening... I felt like I was stealing someones husband in a way... even though Sara isn't here it made my heart hurt so bad every time I would think of her. Than a very good friend Addie who was Sara's cyster and BF told me to one night to "just go and pray about it, pray to Sara". It was something so simple that I hadn't even thought of doing. That night I prayed like crazy to her, praying that she was ok, that she was happy and not hurting, and that I hoped so badly she was ok with this, and now to this day I thank Sara everyday for sharing Jesse with me. Because of Sara's beautiful heart and love for life, I now have been blessed with such and amazing man, and I owe all of that to her. Its because of Sara that Jesse is such a strong, full of life, positive, selfless person. I am beyond THANKFUL. If there was one thing I could say to Sara today it would be.... THANK YOU :) and that I truly think of her every single day and have so much respect for her. Sara has touched my life and heart in more ways than most people could even imagine, and i didn't even know her but it has been amazing getting to know such a beautiful person through Jesse, I feel honored and blessed everyday.
Landon and I are in Florida for a month, the whole reason behind this trip was to take a break from school and the chaos and family drama I have at home to really focus on my son and building a relationship with Jesse. I'm realizing what is really important in life, and that my family. For so long I have lived to be perfect, and make sure everyone saw how great i was doing and how i could keep it all together, when in reality I was miserable and not living at all, I was just getting through the everyday motions of life and not truly living it. Now I am taking chances and following my heart. This trip has showed me how well Landon can adapt, and how well Jesse is with Landon. Jesse needed to see what it was like 24 hours and day with a 2 year and he sure has had a nice reality check but has handled it better than I have. His patience with Landon is amazing, he has been actually teaching me a little something about parenting : ) It has been really nice experiencing what its like with a partner in all this.. let me tell you it is a whole new world when you have someone to help you and walk through the struggles with you.
I truly Love it down here... even though this week i was a little homesick but Jess was working so much Landon lee and I were at home all by ourselves all day.. I ventured out a few times but I don't really know my way around here and with my anxiety it gets me a little crazy lol. I think it would be so much better if i had my own place down here... to make it our own and to baby proof it. I would love to live here.. but i don't want to hurt anyone. I know that the Burgiss's would be heart broken and so would my dad. So that is the one thing holding me back from committing to moving. I also wouldn't have any support if I needed a babysitter or if Jesse and I wanted to have a date night. I want Landon surrounded by people who love him, so I don't want to take that away from him either. His happiness must come before mine no matter what. I feel like I am at a crossroads right now. We have big decisions to make but like my dad said we can always come home if we need to.