Thursday, April 19, 2012

Real life

I have been craving a blog lately! So much has been goin on. Seems like in my life I always seem to run into a point in time where I honestly feel like my whole world has come crashing down.. Now that may sound pretty dramatic to normal people but you have to know the kind of person I am and the hell I have gone through. Even more so as a mother I want to have everything in order, make the perfect grads, keep a clean and well organized home, have the best behaving child, I want control and perfection. A lot of this comes from my OCD which Is a real mental illness that consumes me at times. Now in reality that is far from what my life is.

I keep seeing so many young girls having children and the mothers parents end up raising the child. Now I am NOoNE to judge but I find myself having jealousy in my heart. For me life as a single mother has been one of the biggest struggles I have ever gone through in my life! From day one my life changed to staying up all night, changing diapers, loads of laundry daily, being a full time nursing student at night and a full time mom during the day, worrying about how your going to get through school, work, and find child care when your options are down to maybe two people In your life, and doing his all completely alone without that partner, the one person that should have been there. It's hard as he'll! I had someone ask me the other day "does it ever get easier" I said "hell no!" things change and your children grow but it never gets easy your challenges just change as they grow. Do you know how much full-time daycare is ? $660.00 a month! $800 for a child until they are one! How do people do it??? This is one of the issues I'm running into now. I want to go back to school full-time at Galen but Galen is an accelerated program abd is in quarters. The schedule for RN students is intense and 16-20 credit hours a quarter. I would be finished in 15 months if I can find a way to get child care and still be able to go to
School and pay rent, bills, and daycare. The childcare assistance program doesn't support anyone going to school, you have to work 20-40 hour per week. If you work 20 they will pay max 70/wk so it doesn't help much when you go to school all day and need full time daycare and they expect you to work on top of all that it's just not even worth working! For me I don't have AnYONE to watch lee anymore. I couldn't work wknds and I cabt work nights so it is so crappy that someone like me Trying to better their life cant go to get some help with child care. Not only does school consist of going ti class it consists of hours upon hours of studying and work outside of class as well! Anyways I have been feelin loads of guilt lately! Feel like I am failing as a mother, I can't even finish schoool and provide for my son they way I want to! He deserves so much more!

When I chose to keep lee I thought I knew somewhat of what I was getting into, but boy was I wrong!! For me in my situation which I understand everyone is different, I sure as he'll was not ready to have a child! I'm so thankful for my boy he is my heart, my soul, my everything! But I wish I could have had my life together so he wouldbt have to suffer and struggle right along side me! But I promises him I'm going to get myself back in school no matter what it takes.. He will have the life I want for him!
So I'll leave it with this.. If you are one of the mothers, single or not.. Be thankful, be thankful if you don't hae to pay for child care, and you have a mom or someone who can be tree right a long side you and help you raise your child while you get life in order for you abd your child. My mom has never even been able to hold Landon. I know now that I have lost the little support thT I had from the two people in my life, I'm still thankful! Thankful for the amazing man who came into Landons and my life and has been nothing but a blessing to us, thankful to have a roof over out heads because lord know we cant live with my parents! Abd I'm thankful for my healthy, crazy wild, out of control, sweet, loving son!

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