wow! what a difference several months can make. I never ever saw my life taking the turn that is has recently. Lets just say I truly BELIEVE in "everything happens for a reason". I have finally found someone who is everything that I have prayed and prayed for. Jesse came into my life when I needed him the most... he was surely the last person that I would have every expected but I am so happy and thankful that God had our paths cross the way they have.. I even think maybe that a very special person had a hand in it as well : ). I came into Jesse's life at the worst time for him, in some way looking back I think we both needed each other. At the time Jesse had just lost the love of his life, his wife who he fought right along side with for years, his heart was completely shattered. Neither one of us were looking for a relationship at all, that was never our intentions in the beginning. The guilt I felt for months was sickening... I felt like I was stealing someones husband in a way... even though Sara isn't here it made my heart hurt so bad every time I would think of her. Than a very good friend Addie who was Sara's cyster and BF told me to one night to "just go and pray about it, pray to Sara". It was something so simple that I hadn't even thought of doing. That night I prayed like crazy to her, praying that she was ok, that she was happy and not hurting, and that I hoped so badly she was ok with this, and now to this day I thank Sara everyday for sharing Jesse with me. Because of Sara's beautiful heart and love for life, I now have been blessed with such and amazing man, and I owe all of that to her. Its because of Sara that Jesse is such a strong, full of life, positive, selfless person. I am beyond THANKFUL. If there was one thing I could say to Sara today it would be.... THANK YOU :) and that I truly think of her every single day and have so much respect for her. Sara has touched my life and heart in more ways than most people could even imagine, and i didn't even know her but it has been amazing getting to know such a beautiful person through Jesse, I feel honored and blessed everyday.
Landon and I are in Florida for a month, the whole reason behind this trip was to take a break from school and the chaos and family drama I have at home to really focus on my son and building a relationship with Jesse. I'm realizing what is really important in life, and that my family. For so long I have lived to be perfect, and make sure everyone saw how great i was doing and how i could keep it all together, when in reality I was miserable and not living at all, I was just getting through the everyday motions of life and not truly living it. Now I am taking chances and following my heart. This trip has showed me how well Landon can adapt, and how well Jesse is with Landon. Jesse needed to see what it was like 24 hours and day with a 2 year and he sure has had a nice reality check but has handled it better than I have. His patience with Landon is amazing, he has been actually teaching me a little something about parenting : ) It has been really nice experiencing what its like with a partner in all this.. let me tell you it is a whole new world when you have someone to help you and walk through the struggles with you.
I truly Love it down here... even though this week i was a little homesick but Jess was working so much Landon lee and I were at home all by ourselves all day.. I ventured out a few times but I don't really know my way around here and with my anxiety it gets me a little crazy lol. I think it would be so much better if i had my own place down here... to make it our own and to baby proof it. I would love to live here.. but i don't want to hurt anyone. I know that the Burgiss's would be heart broken and so would my dad. So that is the one thing holding me back from committing to moving. I also wouldn't have any support if I needed a babysitter or if Jesse and I wanted to have a date night. I want Landon surrounded by people who love him, so I don't want to take that away from him either. His happiness must come before mine no matter what. I feel like I am at a crossroads right now. We have big decisions to make but like my dad said we can always come home if we need to.
" Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you will be criticized anyways" - Eleanor Roosevelt
hey guys, its been a while!! So much has been going on lately... I honestly don't even know where to begin so I'm not exactly sure where this blog is going to go. First off i have to say how damn grateful I am for the amazing people God has brought into my life recently. Kasie Cook is one of my best friends since I was in 6th grade, we grew apart for a few years but suddenly she has come back into my life and we are closer than ever. Kasie is the most loyal, caring, and selfless person I have ever known and I honestly couldn't imagine getting through these last couple of months without her by my side. The other person is my amazing boyfriend who has become my rock! Jesse and I met at a time that wasn't so bright and shiny for him, this man is the strongest 27 year old I have ever known! what he has been through i could never even begin to imagine going trough and coming out as strong and positive as he has. He teaches me so much every day, his love for life and his appreciation for the simple things in life are truly inspiring. I never ever have felt so loved by someone, and I have never in my life felt so in love with someone as i do Jess. There are times I just look at him and thank God for such an amazing man standing by my side who loves me through all of my craziness and accepts me for me and most importantly accepts my precious little boy. Sometimes I don't think i deserve such amazing people and blessings in my life, but boy am I THANKFUL!!!
Its been a rough couple of months, I have been severely depressed. I never truly understood depression before I actually walked it myself. My mom suffers from severe depression at times from her chronic RA. Growing up I would watch her lay in bed for days and couldn't understand it or even try to sympathize with her pain. What I have learned over the last couple of months that I think is really hard for someone on the outside looking in to grasp is depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain and the person suffering from it (at times) has NO CONTROL! There were days where i would just sit and cry, I couldn't even get the energy to put makeup on or fix my hair. My grades were failing, I was losing my focus and my drive. The worst part for me has been the guilt that comes along with my depression, I beat myself up over it because I myself had such a hard time understand why I just couldn't just "snap out of it" or be happy, here i am with a beautiful healthy little boy, a decent apartment on my own, a good job, a family who supports me, but here I am miserable!! . I think a lot of it was because I totally burnt myself out my first quarter of RN school and taken on way to much! Landon was spinning out of control and having a really hard time which was giving me severe anxiety and guilt. So here I am, I have been on antidepressants for about 3 months now and they seem to be taking the edge off but I still have my bad and good days. I just think at this point in my life Id like to take a quarter off school even though I feel like people will think I am a failure and I am giving up, but IM NOT I just want to be here for landon and refocus for awhile, get myself back and allow landon more stability in his life which is so desperately needs. I cant tell you how amazing it has been the past couple of weeks just baking cookies with him, reading to him at night, being home for tubby time, waking up to his crazy butt and taking him to and from school instead of depending on my dad or cyns mom to help me so much i am getting my son back and there is NOTHING more important than that.
I want to take some time to truly enjoy life and enjoy the time I have. This scares me because I am the kind of person who feels like I always ahve to be doing something, like working a billion hours a week or going to school full time adn working fridays and wknds, but iv realized my son and my health is more important and i need to refocus to be a better mom. Life will pass you by so fast, take some time to live for today, thats something i have NEVER done before.
so much on my mind lately... it is crazy how one person can come into your life at the exact time that you needed them the most but it was probaley the worst time for them. It is also crazy how one person can lift you up so much, become that one support system that you have needed for so long and truley change your whole outlook on life. I have been having a lot of regrets lately... looking back on my life I have wasted way to much time worrying about stupid shit that I have No control over and allowing negative hurtful people into my life. I am 23 years old and need to start LIVING!! I have beeen taking little moments for myself like taking a bubble bath or just reading a non nursing book, these little moments are essential for my sanity right now... and i have realized that I need to cherish the time i have with my precious little boy and stop allowing school and work to take over... yes these are a must and I have to work hard to provide for Landon and I but there is a time in life where you have to take a step back and truly enjoy what you have NOW and live for Today because life as you know it can change in an instant. The little things i complain about i have realized they are things that some people would kill for! Just the ability to breathe... to go school and persue my dream to become a nurse, to have a child, a HEALTHY child, these are all blessings that i need to be grateful for every single day.... my mom has always said "if you have your health you have everything" and I am realizing that more and more everyday. I am so blessed to have what I have and I want to enjoy life, take chances, stop over analyzing everything and just GO FOR IT!
LIFE: its something people rarely take advantage of, luckily there comes a defining moment in everyone life when they realize that time is short, you never really know how much of it you will have so you have to hope that when that moment happens you still have your whole life ahead of you, time to travel the world or marry your soul mate time to do everything you have ever wanted to do because you never know when life as you know it may end .
Do you ever just feel complety out of control? Well I cant stand that feeling, which is why i am the biggest neat freak, perfectionist & ocd person you will ever meet. It all boils down to my desperate need for control and structure in my life. I have always felt like there has always been one person in my life that has control over me and my happiness, rather it was my brother and all of that bull or my horrible relationship with my sons dad or me trying to please my so called "friends". I always think of everyone else before myself... I am deathly afraid of hurting people and making people mad at me, so when I am hurt or angry I hold it in and keep my mouth shut. This in turn builds and builds in me then I just bust or take it out on the WRONG people. I am a very very very sensitive person, I expect SO much out of others because I know what I would do, which is why I am so easliy hurt and let down by others, but in turn it makes me sincerley APPRECIATE the good in people and the LITTLE things in life. Its crazy how things can come full circle like that, how a negative thing can be turned into a positive....I am trying so hard to look at the positive in people and understand that sometimes people just arent who you want them to be or need them to be so its ok to forgive and just move on with your life without them in it. Forgivness is letting go of the anger for yourself, it is NOT saying that what that person did was ok, its just being the bigger person and LETTING GO. I think we all harbor and hold on to alot more then we could ever imagine.
I am hurt as hell right now by alot of things and alot of people. I feel like I just keep getting stabbed in the back and shitted on. I found myself asking "what did I do? what did I do to cause this?". Sometimes you have to take a step back and truley look at yourself, but at the same time it might not even be you, if very well could be that it is that person and there demons and problems that they need to work out for themselves.
I am letting go... I am going to put everything in Gods hands and just pray that I go down the route he wants for me and that everything will work out for the best. All I truley want in this world is to be a mom that my son can be proud of and to have a good heart and make a positive impact on people's lives i touch. I want to leave behind a legacy of love, compassion, and morals. Life is way to short, and there are people fighting for there lives, and grieving theloss of the love of there lives. I have so many blessings that I dont even realize all of them at times. I might not have that one true friend that I know i could tell anything in the world to with NO judgment and truley trust them But i do have God and i need to start depending on him more. This has turned into a little self reflection. But hey maybe it will help you as well.... Be grateful for TODAY! xoxo katherine xoxo
This has been a crazy week. I have come to a realization that God has a plan for me, HE will always provide for me and i need to let go of control and just have FAITH that everything will workout the way it is meant to be. I am so blessed in more ways than i even realize. I believe everything that you go through in life, even the mistakes and heartache, make you who you are meant to be.It has made my heart huge, it has given me EMPATHY for others ( to really feel someone elses pain and understand even if you havn't walked in there shoes.) & lots of strength. It seems like lately everytime I get to that place where I just look to God and ask " what am I going to do!?" he has walked in and given me blessing's upon blessings.
Not to jump around but I have really been wanting to write about this because it is near and dear to my heart! It is coming to the end of may which is Cystic Fibrosis awareness month. When I was doing my pediatric clinical rotation for school I was always assigned to CF patients. We went over CF briefly in class but we didnt go in depth, to learn more about the disease and to help me be a better nurse I decided to "youtube" the words " life with Cystic Fibrosis". I came across a documentary by a young lady named Farrel.
The Video pulled at my heart strings and I contacted Farrel via facebook. After many chats, I truley consider Farrel a friend, she has a huge heart and is a fighter in more ways than one! Here is the difinition of CF from CFF.org - Cystic fibrosis is an inherited chronic disease that affects the lungs and digestive system of about 30,000 children and adults in the United States (70,000 worldwide). A defective gene and its protein product cause the body to produce unusually thick, sticky mucus that:
clogs the lungs and leads to life-threatening lung infections; and
obstructs the pancreas and stops natural enzymes from helping the body break down and absorb food.
Statistics
About 1,000 new cases of cystic fibrosis are diagnosed each year.
More than 45% of the CF patient population is age 18 or older.
The predicted median age of survival for a person with CF is in the mid-30s.
You know how some people want to grow up and find the cure for cancer? or become a doctor? Well for me I have finally realized where my heart is, and that is taking care of these patients and helping find a cure in any way I can. I have come in contact with a few other CFers, one who has been on an amazing journey and is another friend of mine is miss Addie. Addie just underwent a double lung transplant at the age of 25. Can you imagine needing a double lung transplant during the prime of your life? To have to wait for someone else to pass away so you can have a second chance at life, and so you can just BREATHE.Addie is now living life to the fullest and she truly is grateful for her "angel wings" as she calls her new lungs. But she still will always have to keep those lungs healthy and with transplant there can be a whole new set of problems as well. But I will tell you Addie is a fighter and she is doing amazing, it is such an inspiration to see!
The struggles CFers have to go through on a day to day basis just to BREATHE is unbelievable to me. Just to give you an idea here is a list of medications that a CFer has to take daily to help keep there lungs healthy, and dont forget The VEST two times a day for 2-30 mins. The vest is a vest that vibrates and basically shakes the mucus off of the lungs and helps to break it up, this is usually done while doing a breathing treatment. Can you imagine the time it takes day to day...... Albuterol 2x/day Pulmicort 2x/day Pulmozyme 2x/day Cayston 3x/day (one month on/one off) TOBI 2x/day (one month on/one off) Symbicort 2x/day Flonase 2x/day Creon w/food Arixtra 1x/day AquADEKS 2x/day Singulair 1x/day Prednisone 1x/day Nexium 2x/day Iron 3x/day Zithromax - MWF Magnesium 2x/day Senna 1x/day Colace 1x/day Vitamin C 1x/day Allegra 2x/day Novolog insulin w/carbs Lantus insulin 1x/day The Vest 2-3x/day OsCal Ultra 2x/day
I have truly found my passion and I cant wait to become a nurse and specialize in CF, but hopefully by then we will have a cure and every CFer will finally know waht its like to "Breathe Easy" . To learn more about CF and what you can do to help find a cure go to www.cff.org. Thanks xoxo Katherine
You know those sayings like ” I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him” or ” Keep your friends close and your enemies closer” or ” You can’t trust anyone” etc. Have you ever lived those sayings? I would love to say that I haven’t but I have. It’s a tad bit exhausting… I’m starting to get to that place in life that our parents talk about when we’re kids. The place where we figure out who our real friends are. You know, the kind of friends that drive an hour to bring you tea if you’re sick. Or the friend that you know you’re gonna call when you discover your first grey hair. The one you cry with and laugh with and yell at. All of the above and more. It is sincerely hard to find friends like that but I can honestly say that I can count mine on one hand. To live life with someone is a big deal. They see the best and worst sides of you. and I mean the WORST sides of you. Not the pretty ones where you cry in front of the mirror to make sure you still look good when they’re trying to console you.. The sides where you’re so broken that a mirror is the least of your worries…The running mascara/puffy cheeks from crying side . The hung over/guilty/immature side. The over emotional/get out of my face/I hate you side. It is rare to find a friend that will stick with you through those ugly times. I know that my family will always be there for me.but its always good to have someone outside of that circle. and I’ve narrowed my number down to a couple. It was hard because I found myself saying ” Well, I think this person would probably maybe stop what they’re doing to help me if my car broke down… if they were less than 10 minutes away..and I gave them gas money…and apologized the whole way home… and maybe i’d buy them dinner to say thank you.” Nope. The thought should have been ” This person would pick me up if my car broke down.” Bam. Solid thought. No expectations or apologies. ( even though I would still apologize because I apologize about everything. And pay for gas too….but that’s beside the point.) Find out who your true friends are. However old you are. Peer pressure is a real thing at any age. I’m 22 and still go through it. A real friend cares about you. Your heart. Your mind and your soul. They don’t make fun of your beliefs even if they believe something different. They respect you and the decisions you make but will still make sure they tell you their thoughts on them. They pick you up if you are completely stranded, even if they are on a date. They don’t expect anything from you. They will always tell you the truth. Don’t get lost in pleasing other people. I will tell you from experience that it gets you nowhere. You run in what i call ” The Pleasing People Circle”. It’s a never ending unhappy circle. You are never satisfied. You can never leave the circle because it feels like if you stop running in it everyone will end up hating you. Like a wheel, you’re the rat in the cage, running and running and running while the world looks in and just smiles. You don’t want it. I promise you. Stop running the wheel. The circle. The person with the painted smile… Find the ones that love you for who you are and accept your family because they last longer than anything else. Enjoy life. It’s too short to flip about the small things. I love you…whoever you are. xoxo
