just a little vent...

so landon lee is knocked out after watching sponge bob for the millionth time today & cynthia and i are sitting here waiting for CSI and the Jeresey Shore at 10!...... so im jamming out to Justin Biebers new song " born to be somebody" and seriously it is amazing!! i swear i have come down w. bieber fever after seeing his movie on sunday... it was so inspirational, and was even a tear jerker.. i was shocked and not expecting it at all.... what a "rags to riches" story it was!.... anyways....so iv battle depression on and off for YEARS now and there are days where i feel like i have NO life besides school, study, cleaning, laundry, and ofcourse playing with landon lee, but i forget im only 22 years old and start to really get down and think wow i should have already had a BSN by now and a career and will i ever get married? am i going to be alone and single for the rest of my life? I very rarely go out, esp to the bars and all that its just not my scene and i have a tendency to stay in my little bubble, i truley love being home with landon lee and just hanging out watching movies, thats where im content..... but theres days where i feel like im missing out esp. living w. cynthia and watching her live your average 23 yr olds life partying, boyfriends, and all that good stuff... but deep down  i know im really not missing out i mean im so blessed, and im working hard to get through school even though its taking me longer because i have to go at night atleast im trying right?  I may not have a thousand friends or tons of guys lining up to date me ... but what i do have is an amazing, smart, healthy, handsome, little boy and i have the gift of being his momma, i also have some really amazing friends like miss jamie who i dont know what i would do w.out i mean i seriously call or txt her a thousand times a day just for her opinion on things or just to vent  she is like my big sister and i love her for that... then theres cynthia who i fight like crazy w. but we love like sisters and she loves my son as if he was her own... i really couldnt ask for more.  BUT i  just gota give myself a little pep talk somedays and just know i have so many goals like becoming a nurse practitionor and it seems so far away right now... but i think... i know if i keep working as hard as i work now and always stay focused on the fact that this is ALL for landon... then i will get there... i wont settle for anything less! i just hate feeling like im in  a rut and i wish i could fastforwad and just be where i want in life... but ill get there soon enough.......

BroKen Hearts

So I am graduating from my LPN program in april and our class has to pick a charity to raise money for ... today in class Rachel our class rep asked everyone if they had a charity that was close to there heart...ofcourse i wasnt going to stand up and say anything in front of the whole class but i  really would  LOVE to choose the SADS foundation... Sads stands for "Sudden Arrythmia Death Syndrome" and there are a few genetic heart disorders that fall under the umbrella of SADS and they all can cause sudden cardiac arrest in young otherwise healthy children and young adults.  I first learned about SADS when an old neighborhood childhood friend Blakely Cummins passed away unexpectedly in her sleep at the age of 22 last November.... I was absolutely SHOCKED... how do you just go to sleep and not wake up?  a few months later I went to Blakelys house to see her mom who was doing some art work for my friend shelly... Kathy Cummins started talking about her beloved daughter and said that basically all the coronor could tell them was it had to be a Cardiac Arrythmia, otherwise she was perfectly healthy. Kathy had mentioned that Blakely complained of feeling dizzy and feeling like she might passout a few times before her passing, but really those were the only warning signs she could think of.  After Kathy mentioned the fainting and dizziness it hit  a nerve in me.... for days after i just had this gut feeling that maybe i should get checked out. Since i was 10 years old i have had "fainting" spells. I can remember passing out 4 different times in elementry school, after gym class, during a christmas play, at a friends house after being outside, at the mall with my mom, my parents took me to the dr. once and they said i must be " hypoglycemic" (low blood sugar) so for years i would carry candy around.  Then the episodes stoped for a few years ... around 17 years old they came back even worse, now they were happening in the middle of the night... i would wake up with my heart beating really really fast, so fast i would get short of breathe and just pass out in my bed ( it is really unusual to passout while laying down)  and they would happen if i someone would wake my up in the middle of the night or if my cell phone would go off and wake me up, many times i would wake upp go get some water then pass out half way down the hallway.... they only warning i usually get is a racing heart beat and shortness of breath. I had 6-8 episodes a year. I remember going to my mom one day and just crying in her lap because i was so frustrated!! to this day these episodes scare me and are debilatating, they cause me to have so much fear and anxiety because i never   know when they will occur. They finally stopped for a year then when i was pregnant i had just one episode where i passed out while taking a shower. The next episode would be November 2010 same as usual i woke up around 2am with my heart racing and before i could even realize what was happening i passed out agian..i usually wake up really nauseas and clamy and i feel weird for the next 24 hrs. this is when i said enough is enough ! I had had a school physical before entering nursing school and they did an EKG which came out normal except for some PVC's which arent life threatning i mentioned fainting but didnt go into detail so she said to come back if i passed out agian. I went online and found the SADS foundation... its sounded like exactly what i was doing,,, i contacted Joanne Robertson and before i knew she was calling me trying to get ahold of me, she was amazing! she said for sure need to be seen especially considering my mom has the same fainting spells and has had them her whole life.. I then was able to get in w. Dr Chris Johnsrude who is an electrophysiologist who specializes in the rhythm of the heart. we did an ekg which was normal, an eccho which showed hypokinetic on left side but wasnt to bad... then we did a 24 hr holter which was normal. He said some gentic disorders like LONG QT SYNDROME which is a sads conditon its very hard to detect unless he was to cathc me in the act of passing out.... he decided to do a heart cathetereizaion an EP study they basically try to stimulate your heart into an arrythmia but he couldnt get one started so I now have a ILR which is an implantable loop recorder it is super small and looks like a USB drive its implated under my left arm it is set to record my heart rythm if it gets above 176, or drops below 30. I also have a little box i carry with me if i pass out i press the button and hold it over my implant and it will record what my heart does before, during , and after my episode. I have a scanner at home that i hook upp to a land line (jsut like a pacemaekr or defib) and send my recordings through the phone... im supposed to send my first recording in this week, i havnt had any episodes since i have had this but its only been 3 mo. im curious to see if it has picked anything up.. im praying we find out whats going on without me passing out agian or anythign worse... My dr. wants to do genetic testing for long qt soon, but insurance is really difficult when it comes to that its very expensive.  This all has brought on so much anxiety for me... my dr. said he knows something is for sure wrong and he will do whatever it takes to find it.. he is amazign! ... It is always in the back of my mind before i go to sleep is my heart going to spin out of control tonight and me now wake up? and i going to passout and noone find me... or worse my son finding me... these are crazy fears i know but they are there and they are real... through all this i have heart so many stories of young lives that have been lost... even recently a friend of mine step sister passed away in her sleep unexectedly at the age of 32 from SADS.  This could happen to ANYONE at ANYTIME  but these conditions are 100% treatable with a defribrilator....People just need to know the warning signs IF they are there : Unexplained fainting upon being startled, exercise or sleep, unexpected or unexplained death of a young person, seizures.   sorry this was soo long!! Just thought id share a little more about me because this has been a huge part of my life. and it consumes me at some points.

the Beginning of my new life

hey guys, so its valentines day and honestly i dont love or hate vday.... i just dont care that much about it.... but for some reason its got me thinking about what if things had been different? I have been thinking alot about the past and how things used to be... when i was with my ex Jesse and before i had Landon my life was a mess! Jesse and I started dating when i was 17 years old and i fell hard for him fast.  I was so naive back then and had trust in everyone. Through out the 3 yrs we were together i slowly learned that jesse had a horrible drug problem... but i couldnt see what everyone else saw, all i saw was this guy who i loved so much who had a huge heart and didnt WANT to be the way he was but had a nasty disease called ADDICTION.  For years i gave up my life to change his and to wait for him to change.... then 3 days after my 19th birthday i found out i was pregnant! at this point i was shocked scared out of my mind and didnt know what to do.... but what i did know was i had to get out of that relationship fast.  From that day on jess and i both went out seperate ways... i remember coming home from work balling my eyes out and just laying in bed for days... i was so heart broken and just couldnt understand how things turned out the way they did.  On March 12th Landon Lee was born and i finally had a purpose in life, he gave me the strength i needed to move on and he was a new focus and motivation for me. It soon set in that I was on my own... my mom couldnt help physically due to her RA, and my dad worked 10 hr days i couldnt ask him for much. I remember there were days were i felt so alone and down that it took everything out of me just to get out of bed.. i finally was diagnosed w. post partum depression even though i was taking an antideressant during my whole pregnancy to prevent this it still happened to me. I just felt like i had NO support at all and deep down i was still really hurt and angry that Jesse wasnt having to go through this, i was so tired of living under my parents roof due to all of the drama w. my twin brother who is a sever addict and was out of control. But as Landon got older and we got to get out of the house more i become super close agian with  my child hood best friend Cynthia Burgiss... and Thank God she came in at the right time... because i was drowning inside.  I felt like i had NOONE! i dont think i have ever been that down in my entire life.. and to this day i still have days like that.  Cynthias family have been a God send, i cant even express how greatful i am for them... if it wasnt for her mom i never would have been able to start school.  When landon was 4 mo. old i finally decided i had to get out of my parents house it just wasnt healthy for me or landon so i enrolled in nursing school and wow was that the best decision i hav eever made.... it was an outlet for me... i met tons of great people... and finally could see the light at the end of the tunnel : ) I am now 9 wks away from graduating from the LPN program and will be entering the RN 3 days later... i just have so many hopes and dreams for Landon and i ... i have worked so hard and have overcome so many obstacles that i dont think people really realize... i want landon to have the best life i can give him, i want him to always be proud of me ... and hopefully one day Jesse can and will be able to be in his life in someway... it still breaks my heart that things turned out the way they did... he was my bestfriend for 3 years, my first love my first everything, but i know everything happens for a reason ... and look at me now! landon is an amazing smart beautiful almost 2 year old little boy, we have our own apartment, we are doing pretty darn good... and im so blessed!   Thank you to everyone who loves and supports us.. it means the absolute world to us : )

My 1st BLOG

so... i finally decided maybe blogging would be a good way for me to vent, let people into my world, and hopfully allowing a better understanding of who i am. I guess all start off with how this wknd has gone. Landon was really sick last week, he had a constant fever and was coughing and extremely congested.  We have been fever free for a good week now but he has not developed these "coughing fits" where he coughs so hard and for so long he either throws up or has a hard time catching his breathe. These usually happen when he exerts hisself if any way but the other night he was laying in bed with me and had one.... im hoping he isnt developing ASTHMA, but im going to go ahead and get him into the dr. this week just to be on the safe side. Yesterday we went to the park w. my cousins jessica and jared... we couldnt stay long because landon kept going into his coughing fits : (
well this was a short little blog but we are off to get my boy a hair cut! lets see how this one turns out.