Monday, February 14, 2011

the Beginning of my new life

hey guys, so its valentines day and honestly i dont love or hate vday.... i just dont care that much about it.... but for some reason its got me thinking about what if things had been different? I have been thinking alot about the past and how things used to be... when i was with my ex Jesse and before i had Landon my life was a mess! Jesse and I started dating when i was 17 years old and i fell hard for him fast.  I was so naive back then and had trust in everyone. Through out the 3 yrs we were together i slowly learned that jesse had a horrible drug problem... but i couldnt see what everyone else saw, all i saw was this guy who i loved so much who had a huge heart and didnt WANT to be the way he was but had a nasty disease called ADDICTION.  For years i gave up my life to change his and to wait for him to change.... then 3 days after my 19th birthday i found out i was pregnant! at this point i was shocked scared out of my mind and didnt know what to do.... but what i did know was i had to get out of that relationship fast.  From that day on jess and i both went out seperate ways... i remember coming home from work balling my eyes out and just laying in bed for days... i was so heart broken and just couldnt understand how things turned out the way they did.  On March 12th Landon Lee was born and i finally had a purpose in life, he gave me the strength i needed to move on and he was a new focus and motivation for me. It soon set in that I was on my own... my mom couldnt help physically due to her RA, and my dad worked 10 hr days i couldnt ask him for much. I remember there were days were i felt so alone and down that it took everything out of me just to get out of bed.. i finally was diagnosed w. post partum depression even though i was taking an antideressant during my whole pregnancy to prevent this it still happened to me. I just felt like i had NO support at all and deep down i was still really hurt and angry that Jesse wasnt having to go through this, i was so tired of living under my parents roof due to all of the drama w. my twin brother who is a sever addict and was out of control. But as Landon got older and we got to get out of the house more i become super close agian with  my child hood best friend Cynthia Burgiss... and Thank God she came in at the right time... because i was drowning inside.  I felt like i had NOONE! i dont think i have ever been that down in my entire life.. and to this day i still have days like that.  Cynthias family have been a God send, i cant even express how greatful i am for them... if it wasnt for her mom i never would have been able to start school.  When landon was 4 mo. old i finally decided i had to get out of my parents house it just wasnt healthy for me or landon so i enrolled in nursing school and wow was that the best decision i hav eever made.... it was an outlet for me... i met tons of great people... and finally could see the light at the end of the tunnel : ) I am now 9 wks away from graduating from the LPN program and will be entering the RN 3 days later... i just have so many hopes and dreams for Landon and i ... i have worked so hard and have overcome so many obstacles that i dont think people really realize... i want landon to have the best life i can give him, i want him to always be proud of me ... and hopefully one day Jesse can and will be able to be in his life in someway... it still breaks my heart that things turned out the way they did... he was my bestfriend for 3 years, my first love my first everything, but i know everything happens for a reason ... and look at me now! landon is an amazing smart beautiful almost 2 year old little boy, we have our own apartment, we are doing pretty darn good... and im so blessed!   Thank you to everyone who loves and supports us.. it means the absolute world to us : )

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