Friday, August 10, 2012

Follow YOUR heart

I have debated writing this blog for a few days now, but I sure need it right now. I have been feeling so misunderstood and lost. I have more or less begun to hate myself for the choices I have made in this life. My heart is always in the right place and I think and over analyze everything I do in life but it seems like I keep making one bad decision after the other. Florida seemed great in hindsight. For myself and many people looking in from the outside Florida seemed like the right move for Landon and I, it would be a new beginning, fresh start right? Well if you truly know ME as a person and what is important to me you would know that change is a hard thing for me to handle. Even as a little girl growing up I couldn't even have sleep overs because I hated being away from home. I have NEVER lived away from Louisville, or even moved houses (except of course living on my own for the last 3 years). I always have had a "home" and yes that home might have gotten crazy at times do to other issues my family has been dealt but at the end of the day family is family, and you cant give up on people who are sick and you cant run away from your problems. I think in a way if I really sit down and think about it I never truly deep down in my heart and soul wanted to move Landon and I over 1000 miles away from any ounce of home or family and people who TRULY love us and would do anything in the world for us. If you know Landon and I you know we have had a rough road but we have had some special people by our sides the whole time and to take Landon away from that killed me. I could see how unhappy Landon was every single day we were gone, how he had a void in his heart that I just couldn't fill. It really hit me that not only did I just walk away from everyone we love and the small support that I had, but I took that away from Landon. The thought of only seeing these people who mean the world to us and have been by our sides from day one twice a year or less killed me and became so scary for me. It is so easy to say "oh ill fly home every chance I get" and it is easy for people to say they will come visit but when it comes down to it life gets in the way and financial issues get int he way and it becomes seeing your family twice a year and losing the bond and connection. I couldn't stand that thought. I was miserable from day one and felt so alone and our of my element that I literally could not take it anymore. I realized I am just not the type of person to be able to move my whole life so far away. That is just who I am as a person and I understand that it is very hard for some people to understand and relate to that, and that is ok I have to accept that. No matter what I do in life I will be judged for it, I am the one who has to live it so I will always do what in my heart feels right. I have gotten some mean things said to me like "you gave up" "you didn't give it a chance" well that's ok that people feel that way, they clearly don't know me and understand where I am coming from. I have learned to accept the fact that I will never be good enough for some people and that is ok with me. I tried and I honest to God thought I was doing what was best for Landon and I, I had the best intentions to make it work but I just could not and in my heart of hearts did not think I would ever be ok with it. Along with the many people who are against me I have had so many loving, kind, true friends and family by my side who have given me nothing but love and support. I had a great friend (actually a few) say to me that they are proud of me for even thinking of making such a sacrifice and doing what I did and that they never ever expected something like that out of me. Those are the people that I will cherish everyday and be grateful for!

I am content with my decision and have not looked back once. My precious little boy has been so happy and excited to be home again. His behavior is better and you can truly see the light in his beautiful eyes again. My mom and I are working on our relationship and are doing well. I have found a job and plan to head back to school in October! Things are looking up for lee and I, yes we have a long hard road ahead of us but I will NEVER give up on our future and I will always him first. I will always pray for those who hate and those who judge, and I will pray for understanding in myself to understand and have patience with those people who cant relate because they have not walked to same path I have.

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