Life. Love. Happiness

hey guys, its been a while!! So much has been going on lately...  I honestly don't even know where to begin so I'm not exactly sure where this blog is going to go.  First off i have to say how damn grateful I am for the amazing people God has brought into my life recently.  Kasie Cook is one of my best friends since I was in 6th grade, we grew apart for a few years but suddenly she has come back into my life and we are closer than ever. Kasie is the most loyal, caring, and selfless person I have ever known and I honestly couldn't imagine getting through these last couple of months without her by my side.  The other person is my amazing boyfriend who has become my rock! Jesse and I met at a time that wasn't so bright and shiny for him, this man is the strongest 27 year old I have ever known! what he has been through i could never even begin to imagine going trough and coming out as strong and positive as he has.  He teaches me so much every day, his love for life and his appreciation for the simple things in life are truly inspiring.  I never ever have felt so loved by someone, and I have never in my life felt so in love with someone as i do Jess.  There are times I just look at him and thank God for such an amazing man standing by my side who loves me through all of my craziness and accepts me for me and most importantly accepts my precious little boy.  Sometimes I don't think i deserve such amazing people and blessings in my life, but boy am I THANKFUL!!!

Its been a rough couple of months, I have been severely depressed.  I never truly understood depression before I actually walked it myself.  My mom suffers from severe depression at times from her chronic RA. Growing up I would watch her lay in bed for days and couldn't understand it or even try to sympathize with her pain.  What I have learned over the last couple of months that I think is really hard for someone on the outside looking in to grasp is depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain and the person suffering from it (at times) has NO CONTROL!  There were days where i would just sit and cry, I couldn't even get the energy to put makeup on or fix my hair.  My grades were failing, I was losing my focus and my drive.  The worst part for me has been the guilt that comes along with my depression, I beat myself up over it because I myself had such a hard time understand why I just couldn't just "snap out of it" or be happy, here i am with a beautiful healthy little boy, a decent apartment on my own, a good job, a family who supports me, but here I am miserable!! .  I think a lot of it was because I totally burnt myself out my first quarter of RN school and taken on way to much!  Landon was spinning out of control and having a really hard time which was giving me severe anxiety and guilt.  So here I am, I have been on antidepressants for about 3 months now and they seem to be taking the edge off but I still have my bad and good days.  I just think at this point in my life Id like to take a quarter off school even though I feel like people will think I am a failure and I am giving up, but IM NOT I just want to be here for landon and refocus for awhile, get myself back and allow landon more stability in his life which is so desperately needs.  I cant tell you how amazing it has been the past couple of weeks just baking cookies with him, reading to him at night, being home for tubby time, waking up to his crazy butt and taking him to and from school instead of depending on my dad or cyns mom to help me so much i am getting my son back and there is NOTHING more important than that.

I want to take some time to truly enjoy life and enjoy the time I have. This scares me because I am the kind of person who feels like I always ahve to be doing something, like working a billion hours a week or going to school full time adn working fridays and wknds, but iv realized my son and my health is more important and i need to refocus to be a better mom.  Life will pass you by so fast, take some time to live for today, thats something i have NEVER done before.

Just go for it

 so much on my mind lately... it is crazy how one person can come into your life at the exact time that you needed them the most but it was probaley the worst time for them.  It is also crazy how one person can lift you up so much,  become that one support system that you have needed for so long and truley change your whole outlook on life.  I have been having a lot of regrets lately... looking back on my life I have wasted way to much time worrying about stupid shit that I have No control over and  allowing negative hurtful people into my life.  I am 23 years old and need to start LIVING!! I have beeen taking little moments for myself like taking a bubble bath or just reading a non nursing book, these little moments are essential for my sanity right now... and i have realized that I need to cherish the time i have with my precious little boy and stop allowing school and work to take over... yes these are a must and I have to work hard to provide for Landon and I  but there is a time in life where you have to take a step back and truly enjoy what you have NOW and live for Today because life as you know it can change in an instant.  The little things i complain about i have realized they are things that some people would kill for!  Just the ability to breathe... to go school and persue my dream to become a nurse,  to have a child, a HEALTHY child,  these are all blessings that i need to be grateful for every single day.... my mom has always said "if you have your health you have everything"  and I am realizing that more and more everyday.  I am so blessed to have what I have and I want to enjoy life, take chances, stop over analyzing everything and just GO FOR IT!

life

LIFE: its something people rarely take advantage of, luckily there comes a defining moment in everyone life when they realize that time is short, you never really know how much of it you will have so you have to hope that when that moment happens you still have your whole life ahead of you, time to travel the world or marry your soul mate time to do everything you have ever wanted to do because you never know when life as you know it may end .

My therapy session..: )

Do you ever just feel complety out of control? Well I cant stand that feeling, which is why i am the biggest neat freak, perfectionist &  ocd person you will ever meet. It all boils down to my desperate need for control and structure in my life.  I have always felt like there has always been one person in my life that has control over me and my happiness, rather it was my brother and all of that bull or my horrible relationship with my sons dad or  me trying to please my so called "friends". I always think of everyone else before myself... I am deathly afraid of hurting people and making people mad at me, so when I am hurt or angry I hold it in and keep my mouth shut. This in turn builds and builds in me then I just bust or take it out on the WRONG people. I am a  very very very sensitive person, I expect SO much out of others because I know what I would do, which is why I am so easliy hurt and let down by others, but in turn it makes me sincerley APPRECIATE the good in people and the LITTLE things in life. Its crazy how things can come full circle like that, how a negative thing can be turned into a positive....I am trying so hard to look at the positive in people and understand that sometimes people just arent who you want them to be or need them to be so its ok to forgive and just move on with your life without them in it. Forgivness is letting go of the anger for yourself, it is NOT saying that what that person did was ok, its just being the bigger person and LETTING GO. I think we all harbor and hold on to alot more then we could ever imagine.

I am hurt as hell right now by alot of things and alot of people. I feel like I just keep getting stabbed in the back and shitted on. I found myself asking "what did I do? what did I do to cause this?". Sometimes you have to take a step back and truley look at yourself, but at the same time it might not even be you, if very well could be that it is that  person and there demons and problems that they need to work out for themselves.

I am letting go... I am going to put everything in Gods hands and just pray that I go down the route he wants for me and that everything will work out for the best. All I truley want in this world is to be a mom that my son can be proud of and to have a good heart and make a positive impact on people's lives i touch. I want to leave behind a legacy of love, compassion, and morals. Life is way to short, and there are people fighting for there lives, and grieving theloss of the  love of there lives. I have so many blessings that I dont even realize all of them at times. I might not have that one true friend that I know i could tell anything in the world to with NO judgment and truley trust them But i do have God and i need to start depending on him more.  This has turned into a little self reflection. But hey maybe it will help you as well....  Be grateful for TODAY! xoxo katherine xoxo

Just breathe

This has been a crazy week. I have come to a realization that God has a plan for me, HE will always provide for me and i need to let go of control and just have FAITH that everything will workout the way it is meant to be. I am so blessed in more ways than i even realize. I believe everything that you go through in life, even the mistakes and heartache, make you who you are meant to be.It has made my heart huge, it has given me EMPATHY for others ( to really feel someone elses pain and understand even if you havn't walked in there shoes.) & lots of strength.  It seems like lately everytime I get to that place where I just look to God and ask " what am I going to do!?" he has walked in and given me blessing's upon blessings.

Not to jump around but I have really been wanting to write about this because it is near and dear to my heart! It is coming to the end of may which is Cystic Fibrosis awareness month. When I was doing my pediatric clinical rotation for school I was always assigned to CF patients. We went over CF briefly in class but we didnt go in depth, to learn more about the disease and to help me be a better nurse I decided to "youtube" the words " life with Cystic Fibrosis". I came across a documentary by a young lady named Farrel.

The Video pulled at my heart strings and I contacted Farrel via facebook. After many chats, I truley consider Farrel a friend, she has a huge heart and is a fighter in more ways than one! Here is the difinition of CF from CFF.org -
 Cystic fibrosis is an inherited chronic disease that affects the lungs and digestive system of about 30,000 children and adults in the United States (70,000 worldwide). A defective gene and its protein product cause the body to produce unusually thick, sticky mucus that:

• clogs the lungs and leads to life-threatening lung infections; and
• obstructs the pancreas and stops natural enzymes from helping the body break down and absorb food.
• 
  
• Statistics
  • About 1,000 new cases of cystic fibrosis are diagnosed each year.
  • More than 45% of the CF patient population is age 18 or older.
  • The predicted median age of survival for a person with CF is in the mid-30s.

 You know how some people want to grow up and find the cure for cancer? or become a doctor? Well for me I have finally realized where my heart is, and that is taking care of these patients and helping find  a cure in any way I can. I have come in contact with a few other CFers, one who has been on an amazing journey and is another friend of mine is miss Addie. Addie just underwent a double lung transplant at the age of 25. Can you imagine needing a double lung transplant during the prime of your life? To have to wait for someone else to pass away so you can have a second chance at life, and so you can just BREATHE.Addie is now living life to the fullest and she truly is grateful for her "angel wings" as she calls her new lungs. But she still will always have to keep those lungs healthy and with transplant there can be a whole new set of problems as well. But I will tell you Addie is a fighter and she is doing amazing, it is such an inspiration to see!

The struggles CFers have to go through on a day to day basis just to BREATHE is unbelievable to me. Just to give you an idea here is a list of medications that a CFer has to take daily to help keep there lungs healthy, and dont forget The VEST two times a day for 2-30 mins. The vest is a vest that vibrates and basically shakes the mucus off of the lungs and helps to break it up, this is usually done while doing a breathing treatment. Can you imagine the time it takes day to day......
 Albuterol 2x/day 
Pulmicort 2x/day 
Pulmozyme 2x/day 
Cayston 3x/day (one month on/one off) 
TOBI 2x/day (one month on/one off) 
Symbicort 2x/day 
Flonase 2x/day 
Creon w/food 
Arixtra 1x/day 
AquADEKS 2x/day 
Singulair 1x/day 
Prednisone 1x/day 
Nexium 2x/day 
Iron 3x/day 
Zithromax - MWF 
Magnesium 2x/day 
Senna 1x/day 
Colace 1x/day 
Vitamin C 1x/day 
Allegra 2x/day 
Novolog insulin w/carbs 
Lantus insulin 1x/day 
The Vest 2-3x/day 
OsCal Ultra 2x/day 

I have truly found my passion and I cant wait to become a nurse and  specialize in CF, but hopefully by then we will have a cure and every CFer will finally know waht its like to "Breathe Easy" . To learn more about CF and what you can do to help find a cure go to www.cff.org. Thanks xoxo Katherine

New soul

You know those sayings like ” I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him” or ” Keep your friends close and your enemies closer” or ” You can’t trust anyone”  etc.  Have you ever lived those sayings? I would love to say that I haven’t but I have. It’s a tad bit exhausting… I’m starting to get to that place in life that our parents talk about when we’re kids. The place where we figure out who our real friends are. You know, the kind of friends that drive an hour to bring you tea if you’re sick. Or the friend that you know you’re gonna call when you discover your first grey hair. The one you cry with and laugh with and yell at. All of the above and more.  It is sincerely hard to find friends like that but I can honestly say that I can count mine on one hand. To live life with someone is a big deal. They see the best and worst sides of you. and I mean the WORST sides of you. Not the pretty ones where you cry in front of the mirror to make sure you still look good when they’re trying to console you.. The sides where you’re so broken that a mirror is the least of your worries…The running mascara/puffy cheeks from crying side . The hung over/guilty/immature side. The over emotional/get out of my face/I hate you side. It is rare to find a friend that will stick with you through those ugly times. I know that my family will always be there for me.but its always good to have someone outside of that circle. and I’ve narrowed my number down to a couple. It was hard because I found myself saying ” Well, I think this person would probably maybe stop what they’re doing to help me if my car broke down… if they were less than 10 minutes away..and I gave them gas money…and apologized the whole way home… and maybe i’d buy them dinner to say thank you.”  Nope. The thought should have been ” This person would pick me up if my car broke down.” Bam. Solid thought. No expectations or apologies. ( even though I would still apologize because I apologize about everything. And pay for gas too….but that’s beside the point.)  Find out who your true friends are. However old you are. Peer pressure is a real thing at any age. I’m  22 and still go through it. A real friend cares about you. Your heart. Your mind and your soul. They don’t make fun of your beliefs even if they believe something different. They respect you and the decisions you make but will still make sure they tell you their thoughts on them. They pick you up if you are completely stranded, even if they are on a date. They don’t expect anything from you. They will always tell you the truth. Don’t get lost in pleasing other people. I will tell you from experience that it gets you nowhere. You run in what i call ” The Pleasing People Circle”. It’s a never ending unhappy circle. You are never satisfied. You can never leave the circle because it feels like if you stop running in it everyone will end up hating you. Like a wheel,  you’re the rat in the cage, running and running and running while the world looks in and just smiles. You don’t want it. I promise you. Stop running the wheel. The circle. The person with the painted smile… Find the ones that love you for who you are and accept your family because they last longer than anything else. Enjoy life. It’s too short to flip about the small things. I love you…whoever you are. xoxo

Top 5 fav Nail colors for spring/summer 2011

So if you know me, you know I have an intense obsession/addiction to nail polish. For me nail polish is the easiest and quickest accessory you can wear and truly show your personality, or just add color and fun to your life! With spring & summer in the air I thought I would do a blog what I think is "IN" for spring nail colors and what my top 5 favs are right now. 

*1. MINT GREEN: Essie Mint candy apple

 This has been on my nails for weeks now, it is for sure my go to color right now, i feel like it is super fresh and springy and i just love it! 

*2.Pale Pastel Lavender colors.

It looks so fresh, it not to "in your face" I love it because it adds a nice pop of color but in a very classy and subtle way.

*3. Sky/ Baby blue 

I think this is the perfect color for spring and summer its a nice "cool " and agian fresh pop of color, that is a little more vibrant which i love! 

*4. Coral- ESSI: California Coral $8

Dip your nails in this bright shade. A playful color that is warm, bold, and gorgeous for summer.

*5. Nude bare nails

I am loving these colors! They a great for ANY skin tone, they match any outfit, & great for if you need a more classy put together look!

I hope you all enjoy this little blog I wanted to do something  on a "happy" note, I know my blogs havn't been the best lately. 

HAPPY EASTER

 Landon has already gotten 2 easter baskets and will be getting more treats tonight! hope everyone has an amazing day!!!

xoxo Katherine

unexpected VENT

Hey Guys, so i have clearly been slacking on this whole blogging thing. I dont really know what to talk about anymore, i feel like if i sat here blabbed about my life you would get pretty bored. But if anyone does care ill give ya  a little update on Landon and I.

Monday April 11th was my LAST day of  LPN school !!! It has been  a LONG 21 months... but I made it and made NOTHING less then a B in a class so i have to say i am some what proud of myself, even though there are people in this world that are haters and think that i did it by sitting on my ass everyday. Anyways, this blog might end up turning into a little vent so i will go ahead and apologize now! Moving on.... I had a game plan from day one when I started nursing school when Landon was 4 months old... my plan was to stay home full time with him and get through the LPN program by going at night which meant my schedule would be 5pm-11pm Mon-Thur. At the time when I started I had noway of paying for child care, and my dad worked during the day, mom is unable to physically take care of  Landon due to her RA & everyone else worked during the day so Day school was out of the question for me.I lasted about a year until i realized staying home (as much as people like to think "stay at home moms" dont do shit and they just sit on there ass's all day that is far from the truth)with Landon and studying, homework, study groups, cooking, cleaning, laundry, it became harder and harder to joggle so I decided it was time to put him in daycare for 2-3 days a week for 4-5 hrs tops to allow me time to get things done and maybe even a little "me" time.  After I was to graduate from the LPN program I was planning on going straight into the RN day program which is 15 months and it is Mon-Thurs 8am-4pm. Well I made a stupid decision and decided to change the game plan a little, by the end of my last quarter i became super burnt out and lost faith in myself by believing I wouldnt be able to joggle that much school, no full time child care for landon without adding a huge extra expense that i just cannot in anyway afford, and taking even more time away from him, and was always stressed out, have been fighting anxiety and depression AGIAN. I felt like going to a less expensive community college to get my pre reqs online would be the best decision for me, i felt like i needed somewhat of a break but still stay in school, & best of all spend my summer with my fun little 2 yr old. Well turns out I didnt exactly think it through, I am someone who lives off my finacial aide reimbursments school is basically my job (not that my finances are anyone business or concern) but it is crucial for me to stay in school. I didnt realize how the finacial aide worked with online classes, I would have to pay out of pocket for every single class and have to take a minimun of 12 credit ours to even get my full financial aide. There for I wont be able to go the the school I was planning on going to and have worked it out where I can start back at my old school in July, But thats a whole qaurter I am wasting... so I think what I am going to do is find a little job like a tanning bed or something because I cant take my LPN boards until June ( if i wait until June I wont have to do my 120 hrs) and so I want something just for the summer to get me through and I will work 40 hrs a week and take two pre reqs online through the community college IF i can come up with that money to pay for them, that way I still feel like I am being productive and not putting my life on "hold" and still working towards my main goal in life which is becoming a nurse. ugh This is all so stressful I really just feel so alone and feel so much pressure, like everything is on ME to provide for my son and myself , and i dont even know how in the world i am going to make it right now. On top of all this shit,  I have some personal drama going on and I am so flippin sick and tired of cold hearted inconsiderate people thinking that they can control my life,, and they can judge me when they dont even KNOW ME anymore!! Listen people, until you actually walk in someone elses shoes, you have NO clue how they feel or what they go through every single day or what they have been through!! stop JUDGING , open up your heart and have EMPATHY for people, I am NOT saying  have "pity" but or "sympathy".

I am at a point in my life where I have been trying so hard NOT to depend on ANYONE which I DONT, I have my dad who helps me so much! and I love him and am very appreciative of everything he does for Lanodn and I , and if anyone has steped up as a "father" figure in my sons life it would be my dad. But I don NOT in anyway take advantage of that or take it for granted. AND if it wasnt for The burgiss's who aare amazing good hearted people who truly love landon as if he was there own, I would have NEVER been able to go to school and I know that and am very thankful for them.  BUT you will NEVER see me calling them or anyone to babysit my son while i go out or try to have any part of a social life, yes my dad offers all that time and turn it down constantly. so I am so sick and tired of people judging me and telling what i need to do and not do, well you know what I am doing the best I can and you can take one look at my son a see that he is being raised with morals, and unconditional LOVE, that is ALL i can ask for.  Today I have decided I am ok with cutting negative people who do nothing but hurt me and bring me down out of my life for good, I have stood on my own for so long and i am taking control of my own happiness, I refuse to allow ANYONE to control that!.  So sorry this has turned into a horrible mean vent but i just dont care anymore, I care way to much what eveyrone thinnks about me and i hold so much in because i HATE conflict, I am a walking mat, BUT NOMORE i am DONE! NOONE will talk down to me, or make me feel bad, they will be cut from my life and my sons. I dont care family or not i will not allow it.
OK i am dont  now .... I will have happier blogs up soon i promise .....

                                                           Katherine xoxo

Landon Lee turns 2

*Here is a little video from lan's bday!*

http://bit.ly/f3n3Ts

It is crazy to think my little boy is already 2 years old!! I remember getting the call while I was working and my dr. saying "are you ready to have a baby today?" ( I was already high risk & was being monitored by 2 diff. dr.s) she said "you should have been induced by now lets get this going!" i just started crying saying NO i am not ready!  5 hrs later I gave birth to my beautiful baby boy and my life was changed forever... I Never knew how much my life was going to change but it has all been for the best... it have had been a hard road but  we are making it each day together we are a team and he is my best friend! I love you landon lee, thank you for being my son, I will always try to make you proud and be the best mommy i can for YOU! Happy birthday monkey : )

just a little vent...

so landon lee is knocked out after watching sponge bob for the millionth time today & cynthia and i are sitting here waiting for CSI and the Jeresey Shore at 10!...... so im jamming out to Justin Biebers new song " born to be somebody" and seriously it is amazing!! i swear i have come down w. bieber fever after seeing his movie on sunday... it was so inspirational, and was even a tear jerker.. i was shocked and not expecting it at all.... what a "rags to riches" story it was!.... anyways....so iv battle depression on and off for YEARS now and there are days where i feel like i have NO life besides school, study, cleaning, laundry, and ofcourse playing with landon lee, but i forget im only 22 years old and start to really get down and think wow i should have already had a BSN by now and a career and will i ever get married? am i going to be alone and single for the rest of my life? I very rarely go out, esp to the bars and all that its just not my scene and i have a tendency to stay in my little bubble, i truley love being home with landon lee and just hanging out watching movies, thats where im content..... but theres days where i feel like im missing out esp. living w. cynthia and watching her live your average 23 yr olds life partying, boyfriends, and all that good stuff... but deep down  i know im really not missing out i mean im so blessed, and im working hard to get through school even though its taking me longer because i have to go at night atleast im trying right?  I may not have a thousand friends or tons of guys lining up to date me ... but what i do have is an amazing, smart, healthy, handsome, little boy and i have the gift of being his momma, i also have some really amazing friends like miss jamie who i dont know what i would do w.out i mean i seriously call or txt her a thousand times a day just for her opinion on things or just to vent  she is like my big sister and i love her for that... then theres cynthia who i fight like crazy w. but we love like sisters and she loves my son as if he was her own... i really couldnt ask for more.  BUT i  just gota give myself a little pep talk somedays and just know i have so many goals like becoming a nurse practitionor and it seems so far away right now... but i think... i know if i keep working as hard as i work now and always stay focused on the fact that this is ALL for landon... then i will get there... i wont settle for anything less! i just hate feeling like im in  a rut and i wish i could fastforwad and just be where i want in life... but ill get there soon enough.......

BroKen Hearts

So I am graduating from my LPN program in april and our class has to pick a charity to raise money for ... today in class Rachel our class rep asked everyone if they had a charity that was close to there heart...ofcourse i wasnt going to stand up and say anything in front of the whole class but i  really would  LOVE to choose the SADS foundation... Sads stands for "Sudden Arrythmia Death Syndrome" and there are a few genetic heart disorders that fall under the umbrella of SADS and they all can cause sudden cardiac arrest in young otherwise healthy children and young adults.  I first learned about SADS when an old neighborhood childhood friend Blakely Cummins passed away unexpectedly in her sleep at the age of 22 last November.... I was absolutely SHOCKED... how do you just go to sleep and not wake up?  a few months later I went to Blakelys house to see her mom who was doing some art work for my friend shelly... Kathy Cummins started talking about her beloved daughter and said that basically all the coronor could tell them was it had to be a Cardiac Arrythmia, otherwise she was perfectly healthy. Kathy had mentioned that Blakely complained of feeling dizzy and feeling like she might passout a few times before her passing, but really those were the only warning signs she could think of.  After Kathy mentioned the fainting and dizziness it hit  a nerve in me.... for days after i just had this gut feeling that maybe i should get checked out. Since i was 10 years old i have had "fainting" spells. I can remember passing out 4 different times in elementry school, after gym class, during a christmas play, at a friends house after being outside, at the mall with my mom, my parents took me to the dr. once and they said i must be " hypoglycemic" (low blood sugar) so for years i would carry candy around.  Then the episodes stoped for a few years ... around 17 years old they came back even worse, now they were happening in the middle of the night... i would wake up with my heart beating really really fast, so fast i would get short of breathe and just pass out in my bed ( it is really unusual to passout while laying down)  and they would happen if i someone would wake my up in the middle of the night or if my cell phone would go off and wake me up, many times i would wake upp go get some water then pass out half way down the hallway.... they only warning i usually get is a racing heart beat and shortness of breath. I had 6-8 episodes a year. I remember going to my mom one day and just crying in her lap because i was so frustrated!! to this day these episodes scare me and are debilatating, they cause me to have so much fear and anxiety because i never   know when they will occur. They finally stopped for a year then when i was pregnant i had just one episode where i passed out while taking a shower. The next episode would be November 2010 same as usual i woke up around 2am with my heart racing and before i could even realize what was happening i passed out agian..i usually wake up really nauseas and clamy and i feel weird for the next 24 hrs. this is when i said enough is enough ! I had had a school physical before entering nursing school and they did an EKG which came out normal except for some PVC's which arent life threatning i mentioned fainting but didnt go into detail so she said to come back if i passed out agian. I went online and found the SADS foundation... its sounded like exactly what i was doing,,, i contacted Joanne Robertson and before i knew she was calling me trying to get ahold of me, she was amazing! she said for sure need to be seen especially considering my mom has the same fainting spells and has had them her whole life.. I then was able to get in w. Dr Chris Johnsrude who is an electrophysiologist who specializes in the rhythm of the heart. we did an ekg which was normal, an eccho which showed hypokinetic on left side but wasnt to bad... then we did a 24 hr holter which was normal. He said some gentic disorders like LONG QT SYNDROME which is a sads conditon its very hard to detect unless he was to cathc me in the act of passing out.... he decided to do a heart cathetereizaion an EP study they basically try to stimulate your heart into an arrythmia but he couldnt get one started so I now have a ILR which is an implantable loop recorder it is super small and looks like a USB drive its implated under my left arm it is set to record my heart rythm if it gets above 176, or drops below 30. I also have a little box i carry with me if i pass out i press the button and hold it over my implant and it will record what my heart does before, during , and after my episode. I have a scanner at home that i hook upp to a land line (jsut like a pacemaekr or defib) and send my recordings through the phone... im supposed to send my first recording in this week, i havnt had any episodes since i have had this but its only been 3 mo. im curious to see if it has picked anything up.. im praying we find out whats going on without me passing out agian or anythign worse... My dr. wants to do genetic testing for long qt soon, but insurance is really difficult when it comes to that its very expensive.  This all has brought on so much anxiety for me... my dr. said he knows something is for sure wrong and he will do whatever it takes to find it.. he is amazign! ... It is always in the back of my mind before i go to sleep is my heart going to spin out of control tonight and me now wake up? and i going to passout and noone find me... or worse my son finding me... these are crazy fears i know but they are there and they are real... through all this i have heart so many stories of young lives that have been lost... even recently a friend of mine step sister passed away in her sleep unexectedly at the age of 32 from SADS.  This could happen to ANYONE at ANYTIME  but these conditions are 100% treatable with a defribrilator....People just need to know the warning signs IF they are there : Unexplained fainting upon being startled, exercise or sleep, unexpected or unexplained death of a young person, seizures.   sorry this was soo long!! Just thought id share a little more about me because this has been a huge part of my life. and it consumes me at some points.

the Beginning of my new life

hey guys, so its valentines day and honestly i dont love or hate vday.... i just dont care that much about it.... but for some reason its got me thinking about what if things had been different? I have been thinking alot about the past and how things used to be... when i was with my ex Jesse and before i had Landon my life was a mess! Jesse and I started dating when i was 17 years old and i fell hard for him fast.  I was so naive back then and had trust in everyone. Through out the 3 yrs we were together i slowly learned that jesse had a horrible drug problem... but i couldnt see what everyone else saw, all i saw was this guy who i loved so much who had a huge heart and didnt WANT to be the way he was but had a nasty disease called ADDICTION.  For years i gave up my life to change his and to wait for him to change.... then 3 days after my 19th birthday i found out i was pregnant! at this point i was shocked scared out of my mind and didnt know what to do.... but what i did know was i had to get out of that relationship fast.  From that day on jess and i both went out seperate ways... i remember coming home from work balling my eyes out and just laying in bed for days... i was so heart broken and just couldnt understand how things turned out the way they did.  On March 12th Landon Lee was born and i finally had a purpose in life, he gave me the strength i needed to move on and he was a new focus and motivation for me. It soon set in that I was on my own... my mom couldnt help physically due to her RA, and my dad worked 10 hr days i couldnt ask him for much. I remember there were days were i felt so alone and down that it took everything out of me just to get out of bed.. i finally was diagnosed w. post partum depression even though i was taking an antideressant during my whole pregnancy to prevent this it still happened to me. I just felt like i had NO support at all and deep down i was still really hurt and angry that Jesse wasnt having to go through this, i was so tired of living under my parents roof due to all of the drama w. my twin brother who is a sever addict and was out of control. But as Landon got older and we got to get out of the house more i become super close agian with  my child hood best friend Cynthia Burgiss... and Thank God she came in at the right time... because i was drowning inside.  I felt like i had NOONE! i dont think i have ever been that down in my entire life.. and to this day i still have days like that.  Cynthias family have been a God send, i cant even express how greatful i am for them... if it wasnt for her mom i never would have been able to start school.  When landon was 4 mo. old i finally decided i had to get out of my parents house it just wasnt healthy for me or landon so i enrolled in nursing school and wow was that the best decision i hav eever made.... it was an outlet for me... i met tons of great people... and finally could see the light at the end of the tunnel : ) I am now 9 wks away from graduating from the LPN program and will be entering the RN 3 days later... i just have so many hopes and dreams for Landon and i ... i have worked so hard and have overcome so many obstacles that i dont think people really realize... i want landon to have the best life i can give him, i want him to always be proud of me ... and hopefully one day Jesse can and will be able to be in his life in someway... it still breaks my heart that things turned out the way they did... he was my bestfriend for 3 years, my first love my first everything, but i know everything happens for a reason ... and look at me now! landon is an amazing smart beautiful almost 2 year old little boy, we have our own apartment, we are doing pretty darn good... and im so blessed!   Thank you to everyone who loves and supports us.. it means the absolute world to us : )

My 1st BLOG

so... i finally decided maybe blogging would be a good way for me to vent, let people into my world, and hopfully allowing a better understanding of who i am. I guess all start off with how this wknd has gone. Landon was really sick last week, he had a constant fever and was coughing and extremely congested.  We have been fever free for a good week now but he has not developed these "coughing fits" where he coughs so hard and for so long he either throws up or has a hard time catching his breathe. These usually happen when he exerts hisself if any way but the other night he was laying in bed with me and had one.... im hoping he isnt developing ASTHMA, but im going to go ahead and get him into the dr. this week just to be on the safe side. Yesterday we went to the park w. my cousins jessica and jared... we couldnt stay long because landon kept going into his coughing fits : (
well this was a short little blog but we are off to get my boy a hair cut! lets see how this one turns out.